When our children get older...

Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

There is a wealth of information out there to support babies, toddler and pre-school children, but once they are over the age of 5 the information tends to be more limited and is often focused on school related topics. 

Just because our children are getting older, it doesn’t mean that parenting gets easier or that you will have all the answers to the new phases and stages that your child might be going through.  It can be challenging and sometimes make you feel like you are having to use guess work to get through it.  Children are still dependant on the adults around them for reassurance and guidance in order to navigate the world that they are now experiencing with new knowledge and skills that they have acquired along the way.  The techniques that you may have been using when they were a toddler might not have the same effect now and by continuing to approach things in the same way, you may find that this can lead to frustration for both you and your child. 

One size does not fit all and in the same way that one strategy you have used in the past might stop working as your child gets older, it is all about adapting as your child grows and the best way to do this is to look at the world from their perspective. What are they now experiencing and how can you help them to navigate this? 

Here are some things to think about when supporting children from 5 – 9 years old:

Friends - they are very important! During this period in their life, friendships are becoming a very big and important focus.  Feeling accepted, involved and part of a friendship can be extremely important for many children, with it sometimes becoming their main focus over everything else.  Humans are social beings and so being with others and being accepted as part of the ‘pack’ is part of our genetic makeup.  Often when we hear about the issues that our children face with friends we might say things such as “oh just ignore them” or “find someone else to play with if they are not being nice to you”, this is very easy for us to say, but very difficult for our children to do.  Put yourself in their position, if you are having a tricky time with a work colleague or even a friend, can you just ignore it or forget about it that easily? I would guess the answer is no, it is very unlikely and this is no different for our children.  Supporting them through these tricky times, not by giving direct advice, but by asking them how they are feeling about it, what they think they might need to do in order to resolve the issue, helping them work through the situation rather than trying to solve it for them.  These are skills that will set them up for life, so being there and listening to how they are feeling will make a big difference.

The need to be heard. Communication needs to be a two-way process - when someone feels truly listened to they will communicate in a much more honest and focused manner.  Our children need to feel that what they have to say is important in order to share it with us. Going for a walk, going somewhere in the car, at the dinner table can all be times when your child might want to open up about what they are experiencing. Working on the communication skills with your child at this age will only help when they are teenagers and on into adulthood.  

Communication without judgement.  There will be times when children do things that seem silly or make an obvious mistake to us as adults, but as children they are still learning, so we have to be there to support through those mistakes to help them learn not to make them again.  If they feel that there might be judgement from you this can shut down the communication and actually lead them to hiding things from you, not sharing or not being truthful. We never need to hear from someone “I told you so” as we will always shut down or rebel from this, what we need is the other person to be in that moment with us and help us to move past it with a new understanding.

Allowing independence, with support. This can be an interesting stage as very often your child will be looking to gain greater independence whilst still very much needing to know that you are there to give them the security and comfort.  They can feel torn and confused during this stage, so having empathy is going to help support your child effectively. This can take practice from both the child’s side but also the adult’s side.  Giving more opportunity for independence can be unsettling for you both but it is key that this is done at this stage so that you are there to help and support where needed.  Making mistakes or trying things that might not work are the best ways to learn (we have all been there!) but knowing that there is someone who ‘has your back’ helps give the confidence to try.  Letting your child have responsibilities such as helping with tasks around the house or letting them make choices such as helping with the weekly menu planning etc will all help to give them a sense of independence and to develop the ability to make good choices. 

Building confidence and resilience - the power of ‘yet’! With independence comes confidence which helps our children to try new things, go to new places and interact with new people.  We all have different levels of confidence; some children will take much longer to develop this and it is not something that is always achieved quickly. Recognising achievements and giving acknowledgment of these (no matter how small) will help to boost your child’s confidence levels. What comes with this is resilience. Resilience is something that our children need to work on, to be able to gain this skill they need to have experiences where they are having to deal with challenges and difficulties so that they learn what it feels like to overcome these and to have that ‘bounce back’ feeling.  These challenges and difficulties, of course, need to be age and stage appropriate but they can be things like dealing with friendship issues, taking a test or exam at school, trying something and not succeeding first time.  As adults we often want to solve things or protect our children from things which might be difficult for them, but in the long term this can be detrimental.  We must allow for them to have these experiences with the knowledge that we are there to help, support and guide.  This leads me on to the power of ‘yet’! The power of yet is something that can really help with a positive mindset, when a child says “I can’t ride my bike” or “I can’t do my spellings” it is about finishing these sentences for them with ‘yet’.  “You can’t ride your bike yet, but with more practice you will be able to”, “You can’t do your spellings yet but if you keep trying you will be able to”.  By adding the word ‘yet’ you are encouraging that confidence and resilience that is needed to keep trying.  

Adapting routines When you have a baby or toddler, a routine is often a very important aspect for both the child and the adults caring for them.  They give structure and routine to the day which in turn help the child to feel safe and secure. I talk a lot about the importance of having a routine, which doesn’t need to be strict but needs to work for you and your child.  When looking at older children, routine still plays its part and continues to help them feel safe and secure, but we need to make sure that we are adapting the routine to make sure that it is age and stage appropriate. The routine needs to adapt to enable more independence, so this might be letting them go and brush their teeth without you being there each time.  It might be looking at the bedtime routine and still having a story with you, but then having 10 mins of reading independently in bed before lights are switched off.  It can be allowing them to make a choice on the way that they get ready in the morning - you set the time they need to be ready by, but what order they do things in is up to them.  As the adult we very often like to feel that we have control, but we then often come up against the child who wants to have some control too.  Having a mutual respect and trust for each other is of huge benefit in these circumstances.  Think about a boss that you have had in the past who micro-managed you.  How did you react?  Did you try to push back? This is how it feels to our children when we are on our own agenda rather than looking at things from their perspective too. 

Adapting our approach and viewpoint is an important part of caring for children.  In life we need to have an empathy and understanding of where the other person is coming from, especially if this is your child.   Childhood is all about learning, testing things out and finding a way in the world and our job is to be there to support, guide and comfort where needed. 

For more information, you might be interested in ‘Your guide to the child’s world’ - click here to find out more!

Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.

We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.