Routine doesn’t have to be strict!

Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

Holidays can often put our routines out of sync, and, after Christmas, this is the time to start getting back to a ‘normal’ routine – whatever that might look like for you!

You will notice that there is a reoccurring theme throughout most, ok, nearly all of my posts, and this is reference to routine.  Routine can mean different things to different people; I have found throughout my career as a nanny, that lots of people think the routines I will recommend and implement are always going to be regimental and strict!  This is certainly not the case, and this misconception is always one of the first things that I try to dispel when working with families; yes, routine is important, but it needs to be a routine which fits for each individual family.  One routine does not fit all, some families benefit from more flexible routines, whilst others need to have more of a structure.  There is no right or wrong in a routine, other than when it doesn’t work for your child(ren), or for you!

Why do babies and children need routine?  The main reason is because as humans every day of our lives is made up of various mini routines.  This can be from what we do when we first wake up in the morning, to how we get ready for bed, what we do when first getting in the car to how we get ready to leave the house.  These are all little routines which we have perfected over time and repeat daily, all of which help us to manage our day, many times without even really thinking about it. If you don’t like the word routine, then perhaps ‘daily structure’ works better?

Routine is another word for security, by having a routine it helps us to feel secure.  We often hear the phrase “people don’t like change” and this refers to a change in our lives, which ultimately translates to a change in our routine.  It unsettles us and we work to regain control and back to a routine which helps us to feel in control and safe.  When we feel safe and secure is when we are at our best.  This is when we are able to concentrate, cooperate, negotiate and ultimately listen! For example, when children (or adults at times), are out of routine, you may find that they will be more lethargic.  How many times have you said to your child when they are not behaving as you would hope, “I think you are tired - it is early to bed for you tonight”.  This is not always that your child is actually tired, but, if their normal daily structure has been changed, it can manifest itself in behaviour which you might normally see as them being tired but is actually just that your child is out of routine and feeling lethargic.  The best thing to do in these circumstances is to get back into / adjust the routine or create a routine which works for your family set up. 

It is also about feeling confident to make these changes when needed.  For example, if lunchtime is not until 12 on a normal day, but today you have been swimming and your little one is showing signs of being really hungry and tired, don’t be afraid or worried about bring lunch forward by 30 minutes.  That 30 minutes might be the difference between the biggest meltdown due to hunger and tiredness and having your little one eating well and feeling happy, which of course means that you are happy and relaxed as well!

Our babies and young children are not able to tell the time, and this is the main factor which gives us, as adults, the ability to develop routine.  Children are relying on us to help them understand how their day is going to be structured. If this timing changes day to day, your child(ren) will be constantly unsure of what is happening next, which may lead to them displaying challenging behaviour, their eating habits fluctuating, and their sleep being disturbed.  Adults are able to look at the time and have an idea of why they might be feeling the way that they do e.g. it is getting near to lunchtime and you are feeling hungry and that is why you aren’t really able to concentrate, but you know that you only have 20 mins until lunchtime so you can manage this.  Our children don’t have the ability to do this - they are relying on the adults around them to be able to manage it for them.  As adults, we need to be one step ahead and always ask the question “why?” when the child is demonstrating behaviours which are not typical to them.  “Why might this be happening?”  “Are they getting hungry?” “Do they need to have a nap?” “Are they overwhelmed with the current situation?” Playgroups, soft plays and play dates etc. can be extremely stimulating and overwhelming at times for young children and so recognising that your child might cope with these situations differently on different days is important. As adults, we don’t always want to be sociable and instead want to be quiet at home, and there are days when your child(ren) might feel like that too.  It is all about watching for the signals.  These can be subtle and can sometimes be easily missed - observation of your child is key.  Look for those little indicators such as wandering off around the house and not being able to focus on things, becoming clingy when they were off happily playing, staring into space, getting cross, frustrated or fidgeting, upset or boisterous – these can all be indicators that things are not quite right and your child needs you to help them with finding the solution.  Once you have recognised the signs that their routine needs to get back on track you can put a plan into action.  

My three top tips for routines:

Consistency– for something to become a routine, in order to give us security, we need it to be consistent.  Very often parents will try to implement a routine or structure to their child’s day but lack the consistency.  Your child(ren) need to set their body clock to the routine and this will only happen if mealtimes, sleep times and bath/bedtime routines happen at around the same time every day. When implementing a routine for the first time or an adjustment to your routine, you will need to make sure that it is going to be manageable for you to implement over, at least, the next 2 weeks.  These 2 weeks will need to be more structured (rigid) than at any other time as this is when you are setting your child’s body clock and helping them to feel safe and secure, so it is going to take time to get this as part of their (and your) every day routine.  Once you have completed these 2 weeks then you are likely to find that it is becoming second nature and tends to just happen.

Make the routine fit for your family– every family is unique and has their own way of structuring their day; what works for your friend, might not work for you. There will be lots of different things which will influence how you implement a routine – for example this can be having older or younger siblings or the time that you and / or your partner return home from work.  For example a 6.30pm bedtime will not work if you only get home from work at 6pm. Another example would be that if you find that your child(ren) are staying awake until 8pm and that waking up later in the morning works better for you and your family situation, then go with it. The only thing you need to make sure of is that your child(ren) is/are having regular mealtimes and good amounts of sleep,  If this is happening then it is all about getting into a routine that is right for all of you!

Don’t make it too rigid– being super strict with a routine can actually make your day unmanageable and leave you feeling stressed, which will ultimately impact on your child(ren), leaving you all feeling out of sorts.  This might feel like it contradicts what I have said about being consistent, but they are distinctly different – there needs to be an element of flexibility in a routine to make sure that it works for everyone and eliminates any associated stress. Avoid over complicating things as this is when you feel that you are consistently looking at your watch thinking about the next part of your routine.  This is not how it should be, it should feel natural and workable – having children can be hard work but don’t make it even harder with giving yourself lots of things to constantly think about! Have 2 key times of the day – a time that your child(ren) get up in the morning and a time that they go to bed at night.  In most cases these are about 11-12 hours apart (for children up to 6 years old). If you have these two points of the day, which you stick to, it will help to regulate your child’s sleep hormones at night and ‘get up and go’ hormones in the morning.  Then between these times you should have regular mealtimes (and snacks dependent on the activity of the day) and naps if your child(ren) is of that age.  This is what gives you a great structure to the day which will give both you and your child(ren) the security and safety to approach each day with confidence.

While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.

Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.

We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.