How to be the perfect parent… 7 ways to achieve perfection!
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Embrace and understand that parent guilt is real! Nothing that anyone says or does can make it any better. It can be for the smallest of things and feel hugely overwhelming. When you embrace and understand that this is something which will always be with you as part of your parenting journey, it will help. Another way to get some perspective is to take a step back from the situation and think about it in an objective manner – are you being rational? What would you say if another parent presented you with the same situation and told you how guilty they were feeling? The likelihood is that you would reassure them that there was nothing to feel guilty about – now you need to tell yourself the same thing.
Comparing your parenting with others is like comparing Donald Trump with the Pope…. totally pointless! No two parents are the same, they are all different and unique and thank goodness they are, what a boring world we would live in if everyone was the same. Competitive parenting often brings comparisons, either with another parent or of your child with another child. Everyone has bad days, we are only human and so emotions will play a big part in the success of each day (this is the same for our children) but very often you will see parents at nursery, at playgroup or at the school gate who look like they have ‘got it together’; we can all put on a front and there is every likelihood that they are looking at you and thinking the same! First and foremost you need to embrace the qualities and positives within your household. As adults we struggle to recognise, let alone vocalise, the things that we are good at. If this is something that you find hard, try keeping a notebook somewhere where you can jot down all the positives as you think of them – use these notes to look back on and reflect. If you have parent friends, don’t forget to give them some positive feedback so that they have something to put down in their note book. We are all very quick to criticise ourselves and others but we very rarely give acknowledgment for the things that people are doing really well – it can be for the smallest of things but that compliment, specific to someone’s parenting, could be a game changer for that individual that day!
Take time for you…it makes you a better parent. Spending time with your child/ren is absolutely important and vital for you all, but it is also very important that you have time for you. This might be a morning going for a coffee, reading the paper or a book and not feeling guilty, having a night away with your partner so that you can be adults and not worry about changing nappies, bathtime etc. All of these times you have to yourself will make you a better parent. When you have time to recharge and refocus you will give more to your child/ren than if you keep on going and going. However, spending this time can often also bring on the parent guilt (see number 1!) but you need to rationalise this and keep in mind the feeling you get when you are away from the children and how much better you feel when you re-engage with them. Think of it in this way; you recharge your mobile phone on a regular basis to keep it working, so that’s why you need to ‘recharge you’ on a regular basis so that you can keep working too!
Don’t play the hero – when people offer you help and support, accept it. It is not a sign of weakness, it is in fact a sign of someone who is comfortable in their parenting skin and confident in knowing what is needed. In years gone by, our neighbours and family members lived close to us (in the next street etc) and often children would spend great deal of time in and out of other people’s homes meaning that parents would have time to get laundry, cleaning etc done because they didn’t have the children with them all the time. It is very different now and can mean that families feel isolated, with no neighbours that they know and living far away from their extended families. Look up groups in your area to try and meet other families and see how you can help each other – remember, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ (African Proverb).
Trust your instincts – you know your child/ren the best. You will be inundated with advice from all directions and I would suggest having 1 or 2 people you completely trust who you go to for advice and avoid listening to everyone else. If you try to take on all of the advice, from lots of different people, you will very quickly become overwhelmed and then not know what to do. There are also lots of parenting books out there which will profess to give you the answers to your parenting issues, but remember, this book was not written for your child/ren…..it was written in the general form - not all things are going to fit for your child/ren. This is when you need to trust your instincts and those of the people to whom you go for advice – that’s when you will find what is right for you and for your child/ren.
Put down the ironing and go and play with your child/ren… – make sure that you create time to spend with your child/ren. Try to make this time, however short, a priority for your day. It can be that extra 5 minutes in bed in the morning for a cuddle or a chat about what the day holds, it can be taking a walk, or spending 10 minutes playing with your child/ren. Take time to truly watch them, stay quiet and let them take the lead (even a baby) and see what they do. This will be really powerful for you and your child/ren - if you feel connected and have time together, it is often the case that your child/ren will be more settled and you will be much more effective than if you don’t. You will be surprised at the impact this has on your day.
Don’t compare yourself with the ‘happy’ families we see on Instagram and Facebook – fake news is a gargantuan thing globally and we must remember that social media posts can be just as ‘fake’. Don’t feel that you must compete by putting endless happy ‘perfect’ family photos online.
‘Perfection’ is what is right for you and your family… not anyone else’s! Being a perfect parent is about recognising that you aren’t one – perfection is not reality, and this is something we need to remember in those times of stress! Remember, you are only human, which means that things can affect how well you deal with situations. Sometimes you are channelling your inner Mary Poppins, other days she seems to have vanished and those ‘making everything fun’ moments just are too much! A great piece of advice is to be a ‘good enough parent’ – putting things into perspective, prioritising what's important in the moment and not stressing about the things that aren’t. Some days you are going to be better than others but that is also ok. Have fun being ‘perfect’!
While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.