Separation anxiety and bedtime (including 10 tips to help!)
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
One area which families can find very challenging during the phases of separation anxiety is bedtimes and naptimes. In this blog we are going to specifically look at how and why separation anxiety might affect bedtimes and sleep.
Separation anxiety is part of normal emotional development in babies and young children, and we discuss this in more detail in our separation anxiety blog which you can read here.
So, back to separation anxiety and bedtimes…
Why does it happen at these times?
Separation anxiety is triggered when your little one anticipates or experiences the feelings of separation from you. For some children this can be for example when you leave the room to go to the bathroom and even walking towards a doorway can cause them to get upset. So, when it comes to sleep time (at bedtime or naptime) your little one knows that you are going to put them in their cot or bed and leave them. In some cases we can see them experiencing this sense of separation in the lead up to bedtime or naptime as they anticipate this happening.
This developmental phase can be a large contributor to sleep issues as we can find babies and children resistant to go to bed, crying out when they are in bed and possibly needing you in the night with night wakings.
You may be a parent who has previously put their little one down to sleep and it has been very easy - having cuddles, putting them into their bed/cot and leaving. However, you may now find yourself in a situation where your little one is getting very upset, not wanting you to leave, making it very difficult for you to leave the room and possibly waking through the night as well.
What can I do?
Keep consistent! Consistency provides safety and security to your child so it’s important to keep with a consistent approach and routine. You might be tempted to change the routine so that your child is not able to predict what is going to happen when you go to put them to bed or down for a nap, but this actually causes them to be more unsettled as they don’t feel as safe and secure. They are looking to you to give them the confidence that what is happening is ok, that they will be ok and that you will come back. Providing consistency also allows for your little one to experience these feelings and emotions whilst helping to develop their understanding that you have got control of the situation, giving them that sense of ‘everything is going to be ok’, that they are safe and that there isn’t anything to worry about.
Stick to your boundaries - this might be that you always do 2 stories before bed for example; don’t be tempted to increase this if your little one seems happier to keep going with stories to put off bedtime for as long as possible. This can cause more challenges as the change will unsettle them. While they might resist and ask for more stories, they are actually looking for you to keep these boundaries for them. This can happen at various points of the bedtime routine, such as ‘a bit longer in the bath’, ‘one more cuddle’ etc. Try to balance providing the comfort and reassurance but also keeping the boundaries which help them to feel secure.
Try to avoid introducing new approaches that you don’t normally use. For example, this might be getting them and taking into your bed - if this is something that you haven’t done before it can cause your child to be confused and think that this is what needs to happen at night for them to be able to get back to sleep. Children look for our guidance and if we give mixed messages or approaches this can cause them to be confused. Always provide comfort but be careful only to give messages to your child that you are able to sustain long term.
Play games (depending on age). Games such as peek-a-boo with babies or hide and seek with toddlers will help with their understanding of object permanence – helping them to understand that although they can’t see you, you do still exist and will always come back.
Always say good-bye during the day if you are having to leave them but also always make sure that you say good-night. Then when you come back in the day or the next morning , say with a very upbeat voice and lots of smiles “I’m back, I said I would come back and here I am!”.
Your body language will give your child messages, keep relaxed and calm so that this encourages your child to follow your lead. This might be hard to do as it can be upsetting for you as much as it is for your little one, so make sure that you look after you too. If you have had a long day and have the option of having someone help you with bedtime, then take them up on this offer. This might just be having someone there to give you a hug or make you a cup of tea, or if your little one is comfortable with this person, then it might help for them to do a bedtime for you. If you are feeling calmer and not having the pressure all on you it can then help with bedtime.
Up your ‘cuddle quota’ in the day. Filling your little one’s need for being close during the day can help with the separation at bedtime. Look at the time you spend together before going down for a nap or at bedtime, can you increase the cuddles then, or have them on your lap for stories, singing? Having cuddles or close contact before putting them to bed can all help to reassure them.
Put in 1:1 time which is uninterrupted (no phones, chores, other people) and totally focused on your little one. This only needs to be 10-15 mins during the day, but it can really help; putting some 1:1 time in the afternoon can also help with bedtime.
Depending on your child’s age think about introducing a comforter which they can have with them while they sleep. For older children this might be something of yours which they can have, such as a piece of clothing which smells of you and helps them to feel close. For babies under 12 months it is important to follow the Lullaby Trust safer sleep guidelines which you can read here.
Keep an eye on naps and make sure that they are not too long or at the wrong time of the day. If your little one is overtired or indeed not tired enough (bedtime is too early or naps timings are not quite right) this can cause bedtimes to be more tricky. It can be difficult to know if it is the separation anxiety or the routine which can be causing the issues.
When your little one is going through this stage of development if can feel that you are continually having to provide reassurance and not getting a moment to yourself. Please remember that this is a phase and it will pass but keeping consistent and calm will help. Don’t forget to look after you too, if you are feeling drained and exhausted this can make supporting your child through this stage feel more overwhelming, so do ask for help if you need it.
While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a Podcast ‘From Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ which has an episode all about this topic, you can listen here.