My child is afraid of the dark!
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Has your child suddenly started to say, “I’m scared!”, “I don’t like the dark”, or “I’m scared of the dark”? If so, please be reassured that this is a very normal phase of development and can be experienced by lots of children, their parents and carers. Most often the biggest impact of this can be around bedtimes where little ones are typically on their own and it is dark. This sense of fear can have an impact on sleep, bedtimes or even cause waking in the night.
Why (and when) does it happen?
Between the ages of 2 to 5 years old is when children are typically able to verbalise what they might be feeling and experiencing, this can be with any emotion, but they can develop a greater awareness of fear at this stage. This age / stage can be when you see them start to become wary of new people, animals, going to new places or of things such as ‘monsters’ and ‘ghosts’. As children get older they start to develop more logical thinking skills and you can see some of these fears fade as they are able to rationalise and think logically about them. It is also important to note that this is an age where imagination is part of their every day and that the difference between things that are real and things that are fiction (monsters etc) can be difficult to make.
What can you do to help?
Using a nightlight can be helpful, however do make sure that this is red/amber so not to impact on sleep. It might be that they want to leave the door slightly ajar and have light from the hallway. Again this is fine but try to have a red nightlight plugged in, in the hallway as a good compromise and help reduce the likelihood of light affecting your little one’s sleep (links to some options below).
Talk to them about their worries away from bedtimes or when it is dark as this can help them process what they are feeling when they are more at ease and not anxious as they might just before bed or in the middle of night. You can do this by saying things such as “the dark makes you feel a little unsure. What do you think you are unsure about?”. Always respond with empathy and reassurance, “I can see that you are unsure, that’s ok to feel like that. I am going to help you.”
Keeping calm and don’t make it too much of a big thing. Children look to us for reassurance so it is important they see us being calm as they will respond to this. If you make the darkness a really big thing it risks making the fear greater. There is a fine balance between being supportive and encouraging, and keeping things calm and relaxed.
A predictable bedtime routine can help your little one to feel relaxed and at ease.
Giving positive experiences around darkness can really help. Things such as looking up at the sky to see the moon and stars, making up stories or songs about how the sky looks and why it is good to have darkness. Looking at the animals which come out at night, and why they need the darkness to be able to go out and get food etc. You can also do activities with torches, disco lights or fairy lights which can only work when it is dark. Making dens or rooms (other than the bedroom) dark so that your child is getting to experience the dark away from sleep time can help them to process what it is like without the pressure of needing to fall asleep.
Be patient - it might take some time for your little one to work through this fear, but it will happen. Offer consistent praise and recognition when they are making progress.
Try to avoid saying things such as “there is nothing to be afraid of” or “it’s all fine, it’s not scary” as the worry or fear is real for them, and they need to know that you are there to help them understand it and how to manage these feelings as they go through life. Fear is an emotion that we will feel all our lives, so we need to help our children develop the skills and strategies to manage this.
Think about the books or TV shows that your little one might be watching or reading. When we look at their imagination and that they are not at the stage of knowing the difference between reality and fiction these things can play their part in your child’s fear of the dark. If they think that a monster is going to come into their room, or the shadows they see become something at night etc then this is going to impact on their ability to sleep but also manage this fear.
Making one of their toys their ‘protector’ can be a lovely way to help at night. This toy sits on the bedside table or even in bed with your child and their job is to keep look out for anything in the night and to ‘protect’. There are also things such as worry monsters, worry dolls or dream catchers which can again help provide reassurance through the night.
If your little one is waking in the night and wants to come into your room (if they sleep in their own room) because they are scared of their room, it can be better to look for you to go into their room with them to offer the comfort and reassurance there. If you say they can come into your room, it can sometimes give the message that there is something to worry or fear in their room and that they are better to be in your room. By you going their room you are offering the reassurance that everything is ok and there is nothing to worry about.
As I said at the start of the blog, this is a very normal stage of development and, with your support and understanding, in time will pass.
To help your little one as they go through this stage you might find some of these books and other resources helpful - click here :)
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