“I’m scared!” – 10 tips to help your toddler or pre-schooler with their fears
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Looking for monsters…
It is likely that if you are reading this blog, you have a toddler or pre-school aged child who has started to say “I’m scared” about one particular thing, or is saying it regularly throughout the day in relation to lots of different things.
My child is saying they are scared, why?
The feeling of being scared (or fear being the emotion) is very normal and natural and part of our flight, fight or freeze response. Feeling scared (or experiencing fear) is something which is essential to human survival. This response helps to let us know when we are in danger and can then trigger us to take steps to protect ourselves and get out of the dangerous situation.
For our children, fear is a strong emotion and can be felt in a variety of different scenarios. Very often our children are not able to always differentiate between reality and imagination and so we can find that they are scared of things like monsters, ghosts, witches, dinosaurs etc. all of which come from their imagination. Of course we know that these things aren’t going to put them in any danger, but for our children these feelings of being scared are real. We need to make sure that we don’t dismiss or make light of their feelings but instead to support and guide them to understand how to manage them.
Children can also be scared of things such as the dark, animals (dogs can be very common), loud noises etc. We need to look at our own response to our children’s fear of these ‘real’ things. Often we can be much more understanding of these as we know, as adults, that these things are real, and that people can have a fear of them.
It’s important that we look from our child’s perspective, regardless of whether the fear is from their imagination or from reality - we need to put their worries at ease and help them to have strategies for dealing with these situations.
10 tips to help your child
First of all, check what your child understands by saying “I’m scared” as often it can be something that they have heard from their friends, in a book or on TV but don’t always know what it actually means. When they say the words it can often trigger a response in us to ask more questions and talk about how they don’t need to be scared etc. Our children don’t really understand our reaction so then continue to say that they are scared to find out what happens each time they say it. Once you have worked out if your child is saying they are scared because it’s something they have heard or if in fact they actually do know what it means and they are saying it because they really are worried or scared about something this will help you with your approach to it.
Consider your response to their “I’m scared”. As above, it’s important not to dismiss their worry (e.g. because they are saying they are scared of monsters and you know that monsters don’t exist). Keep your response calm and sensitive, explore with your child what a monster is and what they are scared or worried about.
Think about how you ask these questions - say “what makes monsters scary?” or “What makes dogs scary?” rather than “why are you scared?” as often children are not able to articulate why, but if you ask them what specifically makes the ‘thing’ scary you can look at this together and help them to see it differently.
Problem solve together. If your child is scared talking about what they are scared of, work together to look at how to make it better together. Often children will come up with ideas of how to help them overcome their worry and if it is something that is feasible, go with it!
If being scared is mainly at bedtime or night-time, things to consider are:
a. Having a calm and relaxing bedtime routine which allows for wind down before bed.
b. No screens for at least 1 hour before bedtime.
c. Reading books which don’t talk about things that they might be worried or scared about such as monsters etc. However, reading books about worries or even monsters (if this is the worry) at other times of the day can help to open up conversation.
d. Having a dream catcher, worry dolls or comforter can help to offer reassurance at night.
e. Nightlight (make sure that this is red rather than blue, yellow or white. Red helps to ensure the sleep hormone continues to be released).
f. Making a magic spray (water in a spray bottle) which helps to get rid of the worries or monsters ;-) and that you or your child can spray in the bedroom (maybe under the bed if they are worried there is something there).
6. Demonstration can sometime help to reduce fears, for example something like the fear of being sucked down the plug hole. Demonstrate to your child that water goes down the plug hole, but “what happens if we put a rubber duck in the bath? Does that go down the plug hole? No it doesn’t.” Explaining with demonstration can help a child to visualise this and not rely on what their imagination might be telling them!
7. Relaxation tools such as deep breathing can help to calm children down.
8. Drawing pictures of the things that they are scared of and then putting funny faces on them, colouring them in bright colours or giving them funny names etc can help to reduce the fear and worry. Also drawing the fear or worry and then scrunching it up can be a visual representation of getting rid of the worry.
9. Talking about the worry or fear away from nap/bedtimes or when they might be exposed to the worry so that your child is not in their fight, flight, freeze response when you are talking. You want it to be when they are relaxed and able to think about it in a calm manner, knowing that you are helping and supporting them.
10. Teaching skills by example. Talk about what you might be scared of and what you do when you feel like it. This helps your child to understand that fear is normal and that everyone feels it from time to time, but it is how we manage our feelings that is important.
We have put links to some reading books about worries or fears on our Amazon recommendations page
To learn more about Behaviour and Emotions and get strategies to help, have a look at our Behaviour and Emotions webinar here. We also have lots more blogs on different aspects of behaviour here.
You might also want to listen to our podcast (Newborn too Teen and Everything in Between) - ‘The not so terrible twos’ - listen here.
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