My little one will only use the potty or toilet at nursery (or at home)!

Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

You might be in the situation where your little one has mastered using the toilet/potty in one environment quicker than the other – this might be at home but it could be at nursery! Toilet training is something that can take time as it is all about biology, timings and developmental stages…but we also need to take into account the environments your little one spends time in.  

If a child is worried or anxious about anything this may cause the body to tense which in turn can make going to the toilet challenging.  It can lead to ‘holding’ either, or both, wee and poo until they are in an environment where they feel relaxed, or, in some cases, when they are put into a nappy for nap or bedtime. 

Everyone has different experiences.  For some their little one is quite happy to use the toilet or potty at nursery, but refuses to at home, or they are great at home but refuse to go at nursery! I am going to look at some of the reasons why this might be and give you some strategies to help.

My little is toilet trained at home but not at nursery

You may have started the toilet training process at home and it is going really well, yet at nursery your child is refusing to wear pants or to use the toilet or potty.   There can be various reasons for this which can be:

• At home they are in a familiar and comforting environment.  Your little one knows what to expect from the bathroom, they know where things are and what things smell, sound and feel like (even down to what the toilet sounds like when they flush it!)  

  • At nursery, toilets can be noisy and busy places, which for some children is overwhelming and may mean that they try to avoid it.

• At home you can have full focus on them and their needs.  You are able to keep track of the little signs and signals that they might give when they need to use the toilet and  you also might be aware of when they typically use the toilet during the day (30 mins after meals for example).  

  • At nursery there are more children for the staff to focus on and so they are not always able to pick up on these signs and signals in the same way.  

• At home, when they are playing, their toys are likely to remain there where they left them and so they will be less reluctant to leave them to go to the toilet.  

  • At nursery, leaving play with friends or when playing with something that someone else might take, means that they don’t want to leave it and will risk having an accident over losing that toy! 

• At home there is perhaps a more relaxed environment so little ones don’t feel rushed. 

  • At nursery there are often set times for going to the toilet and handwashing which can mean that there are lots of children in the bathroom area at once which can be a little overwhelming for a child who has just started toilet training.  

• At home there are more options for privacy which is very important for some children.

  • At nursery they might be worried about someone else coming into the toilet which can mean that they refuse to use it.

My little one is toilet trained at nursery but not at home

As a parent this can sometimes trigger emotions in us as we don’t always understand why our child would be ok at nursery but not at home.  However, it is important to look at this as a way your little one is learning and that it will come.  Some of the reasons that this can happen are:        

• At nursery they have peer role modelling – they are seeing other children going to use the toilets and want to copy or be like their friends.  

• There is often a routine of toilet time and handwashing at nursery and so it can be more predictable for them - this can encourage toileting to happen as a general part of their day.  

• Often nurseries have little toilets and sinks which create a greater sense of independence.  Also, nappy changes typically take place in the toilet areas so little ones can see others using the toilets etc when they are having their nappy changed, which can again lead to them wanting to give the toilet/potty a try!

What can you do to help when in one of these situations?

• Keep calm – it will settle and they will start to use the toilet in both places.  We can often start to worry about this and it can lead to us talking about it and making it a ‘big deal’.  Keep the tone of your voice upbeat but relaxed…if you sound worried, anxious, or frustrated it can often make your child feel uncomfortable and lead to toilet refusal! 

• Consider your reaction - is your little one gaining a great deal of attention from not toileting in one of these places?  Are you asking them why they don’t want to? Are you offering them rewards/incentives? Are you giving them other options? If there is a focus on why they don’t want to toilet in a particular place, this can feed the need for attention and so subconsciously they will continue to do this in order to have it. Look at changing things around so that you are looking at the positives and reinforcing these so that your little one clearly understands.

• Look for the reasons why – is there something which is the obvious trigger, could it be that they don’t like the noise of the bathroom at nursery or they don’t see you using the toilet at home? It can take some time to work out and it is not always obvious, but finding what it is can help to unlock the solution as to how to move forward.

• Talk to nursery about why they are or aren’t toileting there – are there obvious things which you could replicate at home to help or things which might help with making your child feel more comfortable with toileting at nursery? Perhaps taking in a potty or toilet seat like you have at home might help, or do they use an approach which your child seems to respond to well? 

• Try to have a similar routine at home as your little one has at nursery as this can help with building familiarity in both environments. 

• Practice using different toilets or a potty in different environments.  For example it might be at a grandparents’ or friend’s house so that your little one has the opportunity to adjust and understand the different sounds etc. of different bathrooms. 

• Have as much consistency between home and nursery as possible, so if your little one is nappy free at home then this needs to be the same at nursery.  If your child is using a potty at nursery then look to use the same at home.  The more familiarity and consistency between both places, the easier it will be for your child to adjust and be successful. It is also about having very open lines of communication with nursery so that you are all on the same page with your approach.

Children have a great deal of emotion which they don’t always understand or know how to express.  Toilet training can trigger emotions which in turn lead to behaviours that often confuse or frustrate us as adults. Learning to use the potty or toilet can take time and practice, it involves supporting your little one in helping them to understand how they feel and how adapt to different environments. 

If you keep calm and consistent, have good open communication with nursery and  allow time, you will see that it all falls into place.

If you want more information about potty / toilet training have a look at our other Toilet Training blogs or download our step by step video guide.

We also have lots of podcast episodes on Toilet Training - you can listen to them here: Newborn to Teen and Everything In Between.