Why does my child bite?

Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

This is something that I get asked time and time again! Some children will go through a stage of biting, in the same way that other children go through stages of hitting or throwing.  The act of biting is something that can often be really upsetting for parents, both of the child who is biting others and also for parents of the child who might get bitten. 

Biting is not a socially acceptable behaviour and so when looking at it from an adult perspective we are embarrassed, worried and anxious when a child starts to bite others as it just isn’t the ‘done thing’.  My first piece of advice is to not look at this behaviour from the adult perspective, you need to look at it from the child’s perspective and from the age and stage that they are at developmentally.

Firstly biting can come when teething occurs, the sharp pains that little ones might feel in their gums. Teething can give children earache or make their whole head feel like it is throbbing – it is very difficult to know exactly how it feels as they often don’t have the words to be able to tell us, but I have experienced wisdom teeth coming through and, if it is anything like that, then I have every sympathy for them! If a child is teething they can often have the overwhelming urge and need to bite down on something and sometimes this can be the closest thing to them which can sometimes be a person!  So, in this case it would be about relieving the teething pains which will then hopefully stop the biting (a link to our blog all about teething is here).  

If teething has been ruled out as a contributing factor for the biting we then need to look at what else might be causing your little one to bite.  

Depending on the age of your child there can be several different reasons: 

Frustration – this emotion can be a difficult one for our children to manage.  We know what it can feel like to try and make ourselves understood and not getting anywhere.  We normally start to raise our voice, use our hands to point or express how we might be feeling and sometimes it can even come to people pulling or pushing people to show them things so that they understand them better.  If this is us as adults trying to manage our frustration imagine what it can be like for our children when they don’t have the words to explain how they are feeling or what they want or need.  If the frustration builds up enough, then sometimes it can then lead to the biting as this gives an instant release, but also provokes a reaction from the person who might be causing their frustration. We want to be working on developing the language skills of the child, helping to minimise the frustration that they are feeling by empathising with them using emotional language where possible. 

Triggers in their day – it is worth looking to see if there are patterns in relation to the times of day that your child bites.  It might be before mealtimes or just before a nap or bedtime.  If you are able to see there is a pattern, then try to see what the trigger might be.  Hunger and tiredness can be big contributing factors.  If you can see that a biting incident is always 30 mins before a mealtime then it might be worth looking at offering a snack at some point before this as it could be down to hunger. If they are doing it just before sleep times then it might mean that sleep times need to be brought forward by 15 minutes so that they are not getting over tired. 

Biting can be to communicate a need – sometimes a child will bite another child if that child is in their personal space or taking their toys from them.  Again, often they have not yet got the skills or knowledge to know how to manage a situation like this so will use their animal instincts, those primal reactions and this is when they will bite.  

Experimenting – Babies and toddlers explore the world through their senses and one the ways that they do this is with their mouth.  Biting can be a way of working out the world around them, they want to see what happens, to see what the reaction is from the person who they bite, but also from others around them.  They are learning and they don’t understand that biting is not a ‘done thing’ so we need to help them understand this and pre-empt situations which might lead to biting.

Overwhelmed – sometimes our environment or situations that we are in can be overwhelming for our children.  If they have lots of stimulation or situations that they are trying to manage such as new sounds, people, learning new things, their way of coping (as a release) is to bite. It is about looking at the situation that your child is in at that moment to see if there might be something which is creating a sense of being overwhelmed. 

What you can do to help work through this stage: 

As always there are books to read which help to talk about the subject of biting that are age and stage appropriate (a link to all of these books on Amazon is here):

In addition, books that talk about emotions are equally important as very often the biting is a behaviour stemming from emotions that your child is feeling:

• Be aware of the triggers and then when you know those triggers are going to come up (having to share toys, do something that they don’t want to do) and then be there to support and guide through this time.  Lots of emotional language such as “You look cross because X wants to play with your toys, they are your toys but we need to try sharing.  I am going sit here and help you” or “Are you sad because we have to leave? I am sad that we have to leave too but we can come back another day”. 

• Keep calm with your response you will also be experiencing different emotions (annoyed, frustrated, embarrassed or worried) when dealing with the situation. The calmer you are when dealing with situation the calmer your child will be (or if they are upset they will calm down quicker). They will pick up on if you are feeling tense, worried or anxious which can make them feel unsure which can then heighten their emotional state and potentially lead to more biting.  Try to take some deep breaths before managing the situation as this really does help. 

• If your child is older and is able to talk things through at a later point after they have bitten and are out of the moment, take the time to talk to them asking why they bit someone and explain that they might have been angry, cross, excited but biting hurts and is not kind.  Then look at ways of supporting them in managing these situations without biting. 

• Having physically and mentally tired children does help with relieving behaviours which might come from boredom - biting can be one of these. Planning the day so that there is a mix of activities which both challenge your child mentally but also physically.  Getting out of the house each day (regardless of the weather) for a run around or fresh air can also help. 

• If your child does bite, then it is about helping them to understand the cause-and-effect such as “you bit Laura and she cried. Biting hurts people. Biting is not ok” and this is all in a calm manner and said when your child is calm too! If they are upset in the moment then you need to calm them down before trying to explain. If your child bites you then you need to be immediate and, in a calm, firm, unemotional voice you need to say “No! Biting hurts, that hurt me, ouch.” If your child is upset, cross or angry then you need to offer the cuddles and affection that they need in the moment to feel ok again, but they also need to be clear that biting is not ok. 

• Children are attention needing and very often when our children do things which are not deemed acceptable, we end up giving a great deal of attention to them in order to try and make them not do it again. As children want attention, regardless of whether it is positive or negative, it can become a reason to bite.  If they get more attention from biting than they do when they are playing nicely, they are going to resort to biting.  Try to give positive reinforcement to the good things that they do during the day and give attention where possible through the day so that you are fulfilling your child’s need. 

Just remember that biting is just one behaviour which can indicate how your child might be feeling at the time.  Always look at it from your child’s perspective, they don’t know that this is an unacceptable behaviour as they are just learning and for some it can take a little time to find alternative ways to manage a situation or emotion that they are experiencing.

While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.

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