Supporting Dads*
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Very often when babies arrive there is a great deal of focus on Mum and the baby and Dads can often be left on the sidelines. The arrival of a baby can be life changing for any parent and so we need to make sure that we are looking out for Dads at this monumental time. The adjustment for Dads can be significant, and there can be hormonal changes (testosterone, oestrogen, cortisol, and prolactin) in men after their baby arrives which can cause them to have baby blues or postnatal depression. I have worked with many families where I have had to actively encourage Dad to take a more active role and to show how important a role he has to play in his baby’s life. We don’t want Dads to be on the sidelines, we want them to feel valued and empowered in their new role.
*We want to be very clear here that we are aware families are all very different and it isn’t always the case that it is a Mum and Dad set up, however for this blog we are putting the focus on Dad in whatever family context he might be. In addition, where we refer to baby we are also referring to babies.
Firstly, we need to look at what can happen with new dads. They will have very often experienced the labour, which can be a very traumatic time for them; seeing their partner in pain and discomfort and not being able to do anything. They are the ones who are watching everything and they can also be the first one to know if things are not going to plan, which can be extremely worrying and, for some men, have a significant impact on the start of their journey to fatherhood. The way that everything started for them as a father should always be considered when supporting any new Dads.
Paternity leave in the UK is only 2 weeks and during this time it can be a blur of Dad supporting his partner, coping with sleep deprivation and managing visitors. Then traditionally, Dads often have to go back to work and so are trying to support in the home and also hold down full-time work which can be exhausting and pressurised. Going to work can be seen as the ‘easy bit’ as you get to have hot cups of coffee, speak to other adults and there is no nappy changing to be done. However, it can also be very tiring and overwhelming when trying to keep things going at work as well as coming home and being a support. Very often Dads come home at the worst time of the day – the ‘witching hour’ - when everyone has got to the end of the day and it is countdown to bedtime. They tend to get given the baby or asked to entertain the toddler because the person who has been at home all day needs to have 5 mins (or longer!) to themselves. We need to think about how this can affect Dad if it is happening evening after evening. This is not going to feel like quality time particularly if the baby and perhaps older children too are not at their best and are also tired.
Sleep deprivation will have a huge impact (even when you think he sleeps through it all!). Dads will have their sleep disturbed (even if they don’t necessarily get up with the baby) and this can have a huge impact on their day. Working and potentially doing late evenings or very early mornings can also catch up and so partners need to try and keep this in mind.
Having their own release and time to do things that they want to do is important and needs to be recognised. This goes for any parent - having your own time to do things for you is important and invaluable, I fully believe that this can make you a better parent. For example, look at weekends to see if you can make a deal that each of you gets to have a lie in on one day of the weekend with no guilt!! ;-)
Here are some ideas of how to help and support Dads in their important role:
In the early days:
Involve them in taking responsibility for or have some involvement in care tasks such as bathtime/bedtime, nappy changes, winding etc. All of these things can be done by either parent and can be key bonding times, so it is about seeing them as times when bonding can take place, rather than just as a process. Helping with these key tasks is even more important if Mum is breastfeeding or has had a C section.
If you are bottle feeding then think about letting Dad take on a couple of the feeds as this is great 1:1 time
Doing baby massage and having skin to skin time are also important for Dads as having this physical touch helps them to build those attachments and helps baby to know from touch and smell who their Daddy is.
When going out for walks you can put a sling on Dad so he can have baby close to him.
Reading stories and having playtime together can also be special times as baby is able to focus on Dad, listening to his voice and spending time looking at each other.
As your children get older:
Having time in the evenings or at weekends (if Dad is a working parent) where there is opportunity for 1:1 time for dad and the little one - this might be going for a walk, to the park or even to a café.
Continue to involve Dad with the care routines such as bath time, bed time, doing breakfast etc as these tend to be the times for conversation and interaction.
Look for common interests from sports to creative activities as this can become Dad’s thing that they do together.
Finding activities and groups which are specifically for Dads and their children. This can be a great way for Dads to meet up and have the opportunity to share experiences with others who have children of similar ages.
General strategies for Dads:
For Dads who go out to work – recommend that they try sitting in the car, on the train or on a bus before walking into the house and listening to one or more songs on their playlist which makes them feel good/relaxed/energised. Encourage them not to go straight from work to home without taking 5 mins just to decompress.
Try to encourage keeping some of the interests that he had before having children, this is important for both mums and dads to keep personal interests so that you maintain your own identity and not just being Mum or Dad.
Keep conversations open and honest, it’s ok to have good and bad days but to be able to talk about this will help. Parenting is full on and sometimes we might just need to offload and accepting that this is ok will be beneficial for all.
Don’t forget to ask how Dad’s day was and to take an interest in it – often when babies come along it becomes all-encompassing and can make the parent who is out at work feel that they have to manage everything. This can sometimes be overwhelming particularly if they also have the financial responsibility for the family.
Women can often feel that they have to step in or take over, particularly with men. Try to avoid this and let Dad do what he feels right. Having time with the baby on his own can help with the bonding process and is also important to find what works for him and the baby. If the other parent always steps in this often means that Dad will remove himself from the situation.
If you are a single parent then building a network of support around you will be essential. As the saying goes “it takes a village” and it really does, don’t be afraid to ask for help or support.
If you know a someone who is expecting a baby or have just had a baby, don’t forget to put some focus on the Dad - ask how he is too! #HowAreYouDad
While you are here why not check out our video guides on various topics including behaviour, sleep, teens and tweens and more - for information - click here.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.