Should I make my child hug people?
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
This is something that most parents have to deal with at some time or another with their child/ren and family members. Hugs and kisses are a way in which we show our affection to each other and often, as adults, we will greet people or say goodbye with a hug or a kiss, but we often know when not to as this isn’t something everyone feels comfortable with.
It can be really difficult when family members want to show their love and affection to your child but your child doesn’t feel comfortable and refuses. We have to respect that just because they are children, they don’t have to kiss or hug if they don’t want to - it has to be on their terms.
The pandemic required us to reduce or stop hugs and kisses in order to keep people safe. For those who already found this physical contact difficult it took the pressure off and they didn’t have the awkward situation of having to say “no thank you” or even giving a hug when they didn’t feel comfortable. Now we are able to hug and kiss more freely it can mean that adults are wanting to go back to showing their affection in the way they did before, but it might be that our children are a little unsure or resistant to this. We have spent a great deal of time talking to children about not kissing or hugging in order to keep people safe (particularly the elderly) so they are now having to adjust back to understanding that it is ok to hug and kiss people, if they want to.
“Give me a kiss/hug” is a phrase we have all heard during our childhood. Many of us have memories of having to kiss/hug people we didn’t want to or feel comfortable with. It doesn’t mean that we didn’t love or care for that person it is just that we didn’t feel comfortable. These feelings can depend on our mood on the day, the environment (new place, other people around) etc.
If someone demanded us to hug or kiss them this would certainly not make us feel comfortable, it would actually be deemed inappropriate; we expect there to be mutual respect as to what feels comfortable, but also regarding consent. Why is this any different for our children?
As adults it is natural to want or need to have a cuddle with the little ones that we love, but we also need to give consistent messages - if they don’t feel happy or comfortable with someone giving them a hug then that is ok and they shouldn’t be forced. This is also important in the whole picture of teaching our children about knowing their own body, what they do or don’t feel comfortable with and also knowing that they shouldn’t feel forced into doing something that doesn’t feel right.
How should we approach this situation?
Using phrases such as “would you like to give Aunty a hug?” rather than “give Aunty a hug”. By asking if they want to it is helping them to have confidence in their own choices and understanding they have a choice.
If your child says “no” then it is important that you aren’t embarrassed and understand that it’s ok for them to say no. It is then saying something like, “that’s ok maybe you can give them a high five, fist bump or shake hands” (again if this is even too much for the child, we shouldn’t force them). These less typical signs of affection might not feel so comfortable with the adult, but we all need to see it from the child’s perspective.
Dealing with family members’ and friends’ reactions can be the most challenging aspect of all of this; they can take the refusal as a rejection or an indication that your child doesn’t like/love them but we know that this is not the case. Explaining to family members why it is about asking the child if they are happy with a hug or a kiss and respecting their decision, it can take some adults some time to understand but by continuing to have open and honest conversations will help! (It might also help if you get them to read this blog 😉!)
Helping to build relationships in other ways will help, for example encouraging opportunities such as sitting next to each other and reading a story, setting up a game that your child can play with the family member, writing notes and letters or sending little videos so that family members are feeling a connection with your child /ren, but in other ways, until your child feels more comfortable. Often when there is choice or lack of pressure it can mean that the child feels happy to give a hug.
We should respect and understand that some children might not ever feel comfortable with giving hugs and that is also OK. Some children just aren’t as tactile as others, it is also important to notice how they might show their affection in other ways and acknowledge this as a positive thing.
Don’t make giving a hug or kiss something a child has to do in order to get something in return e.g. “come and give me a hug and you can have a biscuit?”, “If I get a kiss I will help you with your game”. This can create an association for the child that they have to do these things in order to get things - hugs and kisses should not be used as a bargaining tool.
We want to create the association that giving a hug or kiss should always be on their own terms and done to show affection as and when they want to, and only if they feel comfortable to.
Children should grow up knowing that they have choice and ownership over their own body, with a knowledge of what healthy relationships look like. Starting to talk with children from a young age (age appropriate) about consent is important and there are lots of resources out there which can help with this for example the NSPCC PANTS rule:
Click the image for a link to the NSPCC page
There are some great books on this topic - some that we recommend are here
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