My child only wants me!

WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT

Our children can be very set on things at times and this can even be in relation to wanting one parent to do everything for them and to be with them all the time.  We can often find in these situations that we have one parent who seems to be favoured over the other.

This behaviour can be extremely draining for the ‘preferred’ parent at the time and can be very difficult (and upsetting at times) for the other parent (the ‘rejected’ one) who feels that they are not wanted or, sometimes, not even liked or loved.  

We must remember that this is not about who your child does or doesn’t like, it is all about your child learning and developing, which includes learning what relationships feel like and how to manage them.  They are practicing something that they will have to deal with for years to come through friendships, relationships and also with work colleagues.  It is all about making sense of how and why we feel what we do! 

Why is my child doing this?

There can be several reasons why your child might be doing this:

• Your child is continually learning and developing and as they get older they are starting to understand relationships, emotions and feelings.  When they experience emotions and feelings these can be all-encompassing and when this happens their love and affection for one parent can be so intense that they sometimes can’t see any other options (or want any other options), other than the person they are having all the emotions about at that time.  

The best way to describe what your child is feeling is that it’s like when you meet someone for the first time (in dating terms) and you suddenly realise that you REALLY like them, you do all that you can to have connections with them, find excuses to spend time with them, want to involve them in all that you do and you can’t really get them off your mind.  Now relate this to your child who is learning and experiencing emotions (which change and mature as they get older) but are not able to fully understand how and why they are feeling like they do.  They can sometimes become that ‘clingy’ date who messages you, asks to see you again and pays you compliments all the time etc because they are overwhelmed with the emotions that they feel.  This can be just how a child can feel about one particular parent or carer during this time.  For more on separation anxiety please see our blog. 

• This behaviour can also be linked to your child’s newfound independence (especially if your child is at the toddler stage) as they like to practice and show that they can make their own choices. This is something quite exciting and fun as before they have not been able to communicate what they want in quite the way that they are able to now.  This can give children a great sense of control, which they enjoy and need as part of in their day. Look at how you react to your little one whether you are the ‘preferred’ or the ‘rejected’ parent.

• It can happen when your child has been with one parent for much of their life up until this point (one of you has perhaps been at home and the other one out to work etc.).  Your child has had the time and opportunities to build the relationship with the ‘at home’ parent and so is secure in this relationship, but suddenly they have the need to explore their relationship with the other parent, which might not have been so developed due to the circumstances. So now it is time for them to work out what this relationship can feel like so the parent who has been the ‘preferred’ one up to now can very quickly become the ‘rejected’ one.  

• For some families this can happen around times of change, typically when there is a new baby on their way or has arrived, moving house, starting nursery etc.  This again links back to emotions and feelings that your child might be feeling.  It can be very individual to the child as to who they reject and who they prefer during this time.  It is important to understand that, again, this is not to cause any pain or upset to the ‘rejected’ parent, but it is all about your child processing their feelings, the change in their world and this might just be their coping strategy for this time. 

I am the ‘preferred’ parent right now and feel bad for my partner (‘rejected’ parent), what can I do?

Firstly it is about understanding this from your child’s perspective.  They are not able to understand or even comprehend that their actions might be upsetting the ‘rejected’ parent as they are egocentric (they only see things from their perspective at this stage) and they don’t have the skills to be empathetic, this needs to be learnt and comes much later. 

For both you and your partner it is important to be positive and calm.  We can have a tendency to say that we are feeling sad, sometimes even pretending to cry when our child doesn’t want us or pushes us away.  This can be extremely confusing for a young child as they are not able to understand that their actions (wanting the other parent) are what are causing you to demonstrate this behaviour.  Often it can make children to turn to the ‘preferred’ parent more, as they need the reassurance that everything is ok because all they can see is a parent who is crying (or pretending to) which can be extremely unsettling for them – especially if they don’t have the ability to make the connection. 

Gradual exposure – don’t force things.  Do things together and encourage the involvement but don’t force as this can make your child feel even more resistant. Try to allow for time where the ‘preferred’ parent is not around, as often if they are not around this can help with the relationship building with the other parent.  However, try to do this for short periods of time to start with as you don’t want your child to start worrying that you are leaving, remember they may be feeling those intense emotions of love for you at this time so struggle when you are not there.  Again, please do have a read of the separation anxiety blog for further information on this. 

Take care to make sure that it is not about your child’s need for control.  This can be from the toddler stages up. Being clear that there are times that the ‘rejected’ parent needs to do bath time, for example, so that you are giving the message that you are there, but that it is also ok for the ‘rejected’ parent to do things. If it is very rigid that every night one parent always does bath time it can then be very difficult to change this.  If you are able to show your child that either parent is able to do any of their care routines then this will also help. You can say things like, “I know you would like me to do bath time tonight, but I am busy right now and so Mummy/Daddy is going to do it tonight.” There might be upset, but your child will want to know that you have control of the situation and that you are sticking with what you are saying – this can often make a child feel much safer than if we are to give in. 

Encourage things which are special between the ‘rejected’ parent and your child, so that this can be what connects them.  This might be going to the shop to get things for breakfast at the weekend, it might be that they have certain activities that only they do, it might be that there are certain books which your child loves that only your partner reads to them.  It is finding what works for you, your partner and your child to increase that reassurance that they don’t need to have the ‘preferred’ parent do everything. 

If you are the ‘preferred’ parent try to avoid stepping in straightaway if your child is calling for you etc.  This can make the ‘rejected’ parent feel that they are not able to do it and it gives a message to your child that if they shout loudly enough etc. they will get you. Always take into account the other adult’s feelings as it can be tough when you are the one on the side-lines.  It can be lovely when you have your child calling for you and giving you all the love but also just check in with your partner to make sure that they are ok too. 

This can be a particularly emotional time for all concerned but remember that this can turn around very quickly and you might very quickly find that the ‘rejected’ parent is now the ‘preferred’ parent!  Allow time and understanding for your child to work through the emotions that they are feeling at the time, whilst also providing the stability and continuity of approach that your child will need in order to feel safe and secure.   

Here are some books which might help with understanding the concept of being kind to others.  This might not be something that you specifically relate to the situation of ‘preferred’ and ‘rejected’ parent but are generally about being kind and helping with processing the emotions that go alongside this. 

How full is your bucket?

The smartest giant in town

Monty the Manatee

Kind

You can find a link to these and lots of other books about behaviour and emotions here

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