How do I keep calm when my little one is having a meltdown?
By Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
When our little ones have meltdowns / tantrums / outbursts it can be extremely triggering for us. It can mean that we respond emotionally and not always in the way that we would want to. We need to be kind to ourselves and understand we are only human and that sometimes our emotions can go into overdrive and make us respond to situations in ways which we don’t expect or plan for.
What are the triggers?
When we talk about triggers, we are looking at them for both you and your child.
To gain an understanding of why your child might be having a meltdown we need to look at what the trigger might be - see our behaviour blogs for more on this.
When it comes to us, we also need to be aware of what triggers us and what we can put in place to try to help us to better manage these moments going forward.
We can all be triggered in different ways and for different things. This can be due to what is going on for us at the time such as:
Lack of sleep.
Not taking care of ourselves for example how we eat and drink throughout the day.
Our emotional needs – taking care of ourselves in order to take care of others.
Illness.
Stress – this can be related to things such as workload, juggling everything, family or friend situations.
Our experiences of when we were were children - we can often feel that we need to parent as we were parented or we can look to parent in completely different way.
There are so many more points I could add to this list, but, as we all know what triggers us can be very different to what triggers someone else.
Our children’s outbursts can happen at any time - when around friends and family or when we are out in public. This type of behaviour can be extremely triggering for us as adults - we can start to feel judged or we can experience the feeling of embarrassment or shame. These triggers can lead us to go into our fight, flight, or freeze response - when we are in this response we are working in our emotional brain rather than our logical brain which means it is really hard to remain calm and not to be triggered.
Here are some ways to help us work more in our logical brain:
Count from 20 backwards – we often talk about counting to 10 but this doesn’t always work as we can do it very quickly and without much thought. When counting from 20 backwards it requires us to be more focused and can help to calm us more effectively.
Breathing – taking deep and steady breaths. It might seem silly and not likely to work when you are at your most stressed or overwhelmed, but you will be surprised. Really concentrating on your breathing and taking deep, slow, even breaths can help to regulate your nervous system and get you to place where you can deal with the situation in front of you.
Removing yourself for a couple of minutes and coming back when you are calmer. We often look to deal with things in the moment (and of course if your child is in danger or not safe then you will need to do this). However, if your little one is in a safe place and you need to calm down before dealing with a situation, take yourself away for a few minutes, perhaps to the garden or the bathroom, and take some deep breaths, find your calm and then return. If you deal with the situation when you are at your most frustrated or overwhelmed, it is likely that the situation will escalate and cause you and your little one to be more stressed.
Saying out loud how you are feeling and what you are doing to feel calmer. This can help you to find your calm, but it also means that your child gets to watch and learn from you on how you manage your emotions. You are your child’s role model so it is positive for them to see that you can experience feelings of frustration, sadness, overwhelm (makes them natural and normal) but how you have strategies for working through these emotions. This can be hugely beneficial to our little ones. Saying things like “I am feeling a bit frustrated right now, I am going to go in the garden and take some deep breaths as that will help me feel calm again” or “I am just going to the bathroom, when I am back we can work this out together”, “I think we might both be feeling a bit cross right now, shall we have a cuddle and take some deep breaths together?”
Viewing the situation from your child’s perspective can help you to empathise. If you are able to step back and see the situation from another perspective, it can often help you to calm down and also helps to draw on approaches to diffuse things.
Try not to think about those around you, focus just on your child and you. If you are able to, zone out from those around you and just focus on supporting your child through their outburst. You will find that you and your child will calm more quickly if you do what your instinct tells you rather than trying to do what you think others think you should do. Remember you know your child better than anyone.
Prioritise self-care. This is essential to have as part of your day as you ‘can’t fill from an empty cup’. If you are taking care of yourself and feeling that your emotional needs are being met, then it means that you then have something to give to others. Never feel guilty about taking time for you and, if you need to, ask for others to help. This might be asking a family member if they can have your little one for an hour while you go and do something for you. Everyone has different things which ‘fill their cup’ so look at what your needs are and prioritise them. Don’t confuse meeting your basic needs (eating, showering, drinking, sleep etc) with self-care. You need to make sure that you are meeting your basic needs (these are not self-care) and then on top of this needs to be your self-care so this might be going to the gym, talking a walk, meeting a friend for a coffee and catch up, going shopping on your own…everyone is different in their needs, but you need to make sure that you do things for you!
Don’t be afraid to say sorry to your children. At times we can get frustrated or overwhelmed and can react in a way which we don’t want to (e.g. shouting) and it happens. If you feel that you reacted in a way which you feel you should say sorry then do, your child will learn from you that we reflect on our behaviours and there are times when we need to apologise. This is repairing that situation with your child and can also help you to overcome how you are feeling too.
We can often get to the end of the day and only look at the things that didn’t go well. If you find that you are doing this then make it a rule that you need to find 3 positives to end the day on, no matter how small but it is important to look for those positives.
Ask for help. As the saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child” and it is important that if you feel that things are getting too much or you feel that you need to have a break that you ask for this help. The help doesn’t always need to be someone to help with your child, it might be having someone prepare a meal for you or picking something up from the shops etc. If you are feeling overwhelmed and not able to cope then it is important that you get support and help so look to speak to your GP, Health visitor, family and friends…or even us!
Parenting is not easy, it is a full time job and with it comes a lot of emotion. The important thing is not to put excess pressure on yourself to be ‘perfect’ – remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent!
While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a Podcast ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’, you can listen here.