Why is everything with my child such a battle?
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
This is a very common question that lots of parents ask. These battles are in relation to everyday things such as getting children to clean their teeth, put their shoes on etc. as well as things like not wanting to go to certain places or just refusing to be cooperative in general!
The first thing we need to do in these situations is to look at what’s happening from their perspective; they are on their agenda and we are on ours, but neither party is considering the other. If your little one thinks that they are doing one thing and you think they need to be doing another, this can trigger a big outburst but also frustration from both sides. This is completely natural – think about how often when we are told not to do something / how to do something or continually instructed to do things, we might get annoyed, frustrated and ultimately resistant to doing what we are being asked to do.
It is important to look at why there is so much resistance from your child and where you might be having the most battles - there is usually a reason behind this. It is always good to remember that the behaviour we see from our children is their way of expressing and communicating their emotions and feelings and it’s our job to work out what is being said (for our children and for us!).
What could be causing this kind of behaviour?
There are a huge range of factors which influence why our children behave the way they do and why things might be a battle and these can vary from day to day!
Here are some of the most typical factors…
Hunger – this can really affect our mood (as well as our children’s) and how we cope in certain situations. If you find that things are always a struggle at certain times of the day then it might be worth looking to see if this is around a mealtime. It might be a case of needing to move a mealtime forwards or sometimes even back (when they are not hungry and we are trying to get them to eat!) so that the routine is working for their needs.
Tiredness – as with hunger, this can really impact on how we manage our emotions and how we deal (or not!) with situations. Again, it is about looking at when you are noticing these ‘battles’ happening the most – is it when your little one needs to go down for a nap, or is it in that lead up to bedtime when they are getting tired? Often we can see that things are more challenging for our little ones if they have disturbed sleep at night or if they are getting up super early in the morning, or going to bed very late. Look at the routine of the day and night to make sure that they are getting enough sleep for their age - a well rested child is going to be able to handle situations much better than a tired child!
Routine – as mentioned with the two points above, the routine of the day can really help or hinder a little one in their ability to manage their day. The more predictability you have in your day the more your child will feel settled and comfortable with what is happening and when. When children feel that things are sprung on them (remember, our little ones can’t tell the time so are relying on their body clock and the routine of the day).
Illness – As with any of us, if we are feeling poorly then we are not going to be as accepting of things as we might when we are feeling well. We do need to take into account if our little ones are feeling under the weather and how we might change the routine of the day to accommodate for this, along with how we can reduce the amount of things that we might be asking of them.
Confused and frustrated – often when we are feeling confused or frustrated we can put up resistance to doing things, dig our heels in and at times just say “no”! If we are feeling like that as adults then it can also be the same for our children. They are not able to manage these emotions in that moment and can become overwhelmed - this is something which comes with practice.
Finding their independence. Independence can be an exciting development for our children as they explore the cause and effect of their actions. This happens right from baby stage when they start crawling and can get to things, which we don’t want them to(!) through to older children who don’t want to get dressed/brush their teeth etc. At every age children are exploring their boundaries to see what is in place and so being consistent in your approach is key – children need to know what is/isn’t acceptable, but we also need to allow them opportunities to develop their independence, which might be achieved by doing things like offering choice through the day.
Our own feelings, mood on that specific day. This is actually probably one of the biggest factors of all. We also need to look at what our triggers are and how we respond in different situations. Certain things can be our trigger and this can often mean that a situation escalates not because of our child, but due to our feelings or mood in that particular moment or day. Taking a moment before responding can help - take a deep breath, assess the situation and consider how you are going to react.
Does your child get more attention for a battle?
If you are currently having lots of battles with your little one and it seems to be happening each and every day, it is time to stand back and look at what is happening and try to find out why!
It might be for any of the reasons listed above and we need to look at what might be the solution. However, it is also important to look at the attention your child receives when putting up the battle and resistance – is this much greater than when they just get on with it? Children thrive on having our attention (if you have read any of the other behaviour blogs that I have written I will always mention that children are attention needing not attention seeking) they need our attention and so if the message is that when they battle against something you will give so much more attention – often more eye contact, getting on their level etc – then sub-consciously they will continue with this approach in order to get your attention.
Look at your reaction - can you notice and acknowledge when they have put their shoes on without having to be asked ‘50 times’ or brushed their teeth without any battle? Be clear with your praise too - avoid saying just “thank you” or “good job”, say “thank you for putting your shoes on so quickly, that’s great” or “wow you just brushed your teeth, great job”.
What other things can I try?
Some more general strategies which might help are:
Look after you! You can’t fill from an empty cup! You are only human and there will be days when your patience levels are lower, and that is completely normal, but look at what you can do to give yourself the time and space in order to be better equipped to deal with the potential challenges.
What is the trigger? This is a question to always ask when you have a resistant child. Is it that they are being rushed? Unsure of what is going to be happening? Confused about what is being asked? Take a step back and identify the trigger, if you can do this then you can work from this point in order to find a solution.
Offer choice throughout the day. This can be simple things such as “which top would you like to wear today?”, “which plate would you like to have your lunch on?” etc. It only needs to be a choice of 2 things and not on everything, but throughout the day looking at where your child has some autonomy or choice will help them feel that they have some control, and they don’t then look to gain control in other areas, which can become the battle.
Explanation and running commentary, again this something that I always mention when it comes to supporting behaviour as it is really helps little ones to feel in control and aware of what is going to be happening and when.
Look at how many times you are saying no or just giving an instruction. It can often feel like you are saying no all the time, if this is the case it is good to take a step back and look at how you might be able to change this so that it feels less tedious for you and help your little one be more receptive to listening! This is also the same for instruction, are you continually instructing with “do this, do that”? If so, see if you can reduce the number of times you do this as we can switch off when we are continually told what to do.
Make it fun! We can all find that the every day things become processes that that need to be done and they can end up being boring for us and our little ones. Putting some fun back into things can help all involved! It might be putting on some fun music to tidy up to, making challenges up or even using funny voices to encourage your little one to do something. The more fun and silly you can be, will often mean that your little one will be more engaged and will do those things that are often a battle without even noticing!
We do have some blogs on specific areas which can become battle grounds and these might be of help, so please do check them out:
How do I get my child to do the basic day to day things…like get dressed?
All of our behaviour blogs have lots of hints and tips too!
It is important to note that as with everything, there will be good days and there will be tricky days. Some things will work one day and not the other, but it is all about taking each day, looking at what worked well and reflecting on the things which didn’t, to see what the reason might have been, then changing and adapting it the next day. We are all human and sometimes even as adults we feel like being a little more resistant and non-compliant, but we can normally get ourselves out of it - our children however often need our help and support with it.
To learn more about Behaviour and Emotions and get strategies to help, download our Behaviour and Emotions webinar here.
If you are looking for some support with your child’s behaviour a parent consultation may be what you are looking for - find out more information here.
We also have a podcast with lots of episodes about behaviour - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.