My child says “no” all the time!
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Are you finding that you are asking your child questions or giving instructions to only be told “no”? Does this make you feel like everything is very hard work? When your child finds their voice and the word ‘no’, this can often create times of frustration and annoyance both from the child and from the adult receiving this response!
‘No’ is a very powerful word - it can often really stop us in our tracks. Our children see this and then use the word in order to fully understand its meaning. Our children very quickly realise the power that the word ‘no’ has and use this to assert themselves and their thoughts and feelings.
What can I do when faced with “no” at every turn?
First of all, we need to look at our reaction in these moments. Often, we can find ourselves reacting with a lot of conversation, explanation and instructions which can then lead our little ones to say “no” even more to work out the cause and effect. Our own use of the word ‘no’ can change depending on the situation, but a child is not able to differentiate. Being able to tell the difference between a ‘firm no’ because it is dangerous or they are doing something they shouldn’t etc verses the ‘no’ which is ‘don’t do that’, ‘that’s not ok right now’ type response.
Things which can help reduce the number of ‘nos’:
Offering choice where possible. It only needs to be a choice between 2 options. Offering more than 2 choices can be too overwhelming and lead to our little ones responding with “no” as they don’t know how to make the choice. By giving choice it can also help our children to feel empowered and listened to, which in turn reduces their need to say “no”.
Promoting independence around everyday tasks. This might be by having a visual timetable or schedule of things that need to be done and the order they need to do them. They can then visually see what is expected of them and reduces the number of instructions or prompts that you have to give, which in turn reduces the number of “nos” that you might hear.
Providing an explanation of what is happening ‘now and next’ so that your little one is able to predict what is happening and when.
Giving time prompts such as, “in 5 mins we are going to do x”, “2 mins and then we need to get our shoes on to go to nursery”, can help for your little one to prepare for what is coming. This way things are not just dropped on them, which can often lead to the “no” response!
Looking at the number of times we say “no” during the day . Do we always need to use “no” or can we re-phrase it?. Can “no” sometimes become an auto response which your child learns from you and copies? Before responding to your little one take a breath and think about your response. If we overuse the word ‘no’ then we can only expect our children to do the same!
When saying “no” always follow with an explanation as to why you have said “no”. “No you need to stop doing X because it is not safe and you might hurt yourself”. “No we can’t do that right now because we are doing Y first.” When we only say “no” with no explanation, our children can feel confused and they continue with the actions. When they have explanation and reasons why, they are going to be more accepting of the instructions.
Keeping instructions simple and be specific with what you would like them to do rather than what you want them to stop doing.
Ignoring grumbles and moaning if your child does do what you ask and then praising that they listened and did what you asked. Don’t focus on the negative (grumbles) focus on the positives.
If you feel that your child ignores you check how you are asking your child and ask yourself ‘was the request clear and easy to understand for my child?’
Try saying “yes” where you can! This might seem like a crazy suggestion but it can really help. Being very obvious with our children when saying “yes” and the positive response this often gets is something that we want to promote with our children. They follow our lead.
It can feel exhausting when you have to face every request being responded to with “no” and refusal but it really is just a phase and it will pass. It is all a learning process and can take some time to practice when is and when isn’t appropriate to say “no”!
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