Why does my child hit and how can I help them to stop?
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
Hitting, like biting, can be a very normal part of a child’s behaviour. However, just because it’s normal it doesn’t make it right, but it’s important to understand that your child is not doing this to be unkind or to hurt anyone, it is often linked to how they are feeling or what they are experiencing at the time.
Why do they hit?
Emotions can be overwhelming for our children and over time they have to learn how to manage them. Children can hit adults or other children for a variety of reasons, including:
Overwhelming emotions. When a child is learning about the world they are often frustrated with those around them. The feelings of frustration, anger, worry, excitement etc can all trigger behaviours which we might deem as inappropriate (hitting, biting etc) but in the moment a child doesn’t have the control to stop and this is the ‘default’ action. When our children are little they are very physical doing lots of running, climbing, jumping etc. They are also very driven by their emotional brain which is also linked to our natural fight, flight, freeze response. If children are working in their emotional brain when faced with new emotions or situations they may resort to being physical - this might be running away from us, it might be hiding or it might be to hit.
Unable to communicate what they want or need. If your child is not yet able to communicate their thoughts or feelings this can lead to intense frustration which can mean that they hit out in order to release that feeling or to attempt to try to gain control over the situation.
To gain a reaction or attention. It can always come as a surprise that children will sometimes demonstrate behaviours which they might get negative attention for. As adults we don’t understand why they would do this, but for children they are attention needing so, if they get the messages from the adults around them that they get lots more attention from doing things such as hitting, then they will repeat this. They don’t think about whether this is positive or negative attention, it is attention that they crave.
They don’t understand that it hurts. This can be something that your little one does to test out the cause and effect – ‘if I do this what happens?’ Children might sometimes show their affection through hitting - they don’t know how to show that they are excited, happy or that they love something and these powerful feelings can lead them to hit. They can see this as something positive and not something that causes pain which can then be quite confusing for them when they get told off for doing it or are told ‘no’.
Protecting themselves. In some situations, to us it might not look like protection is needed, but always look at it from their perspective. Do they know what is happening in the moment (have we explained what is happening etc?)? Are they surrounded by other children and suddenly feeling overwhelmed so have the feeling that they need to protect themselves? Even though we have evolved as humans over thousands of years, we still have an innate need to protect ourselves when we are in situations which overwhelm or worry us.
Situations which can trigger your child hitting:
There can be lots of situations when you might see your child hitting. These may be:
When they are around new people or children
Having to share with other children (see our blog on sharing and what age we should be expecting children to be able to do this),
When they are tired or hungry,
When they don’t understand what is happening or being expected of them. They might use a behaviour such as hitting to distract or change the focus away from the situation they are finding difficult.
When they have a sense that things might be changing – this could be as simple as a parent leaving for work, suddenly they get upset and start hitting. It can be the thought of saying goodbye or having that separation which can trigger the reaction.
Sometimes they can just be having a bad day and that is ok! We all have them and some days our tolerance levels are lower, this can be the same for our children. If we can see this then we need to step in and try to make the day easier by providing them with explanation and commentary of what is happening and when, let them have down time as they might need it and provide opportunity for one-to-one time as this can often turn the day around.
My child hits at nursery what do I do?
For some children the only time they hit is when they are at nursery or on a playdate. This can often be due to having different emotions and reactions when around other children. It can be also be due to the frustrations of not being able to communicate their wants or wishes with other children and perhaps through anger that another child is doing something which is upsetting them. It can however also be through feelings of excitement and joy of being with other children and that they are having a lovely time - they get overwhelmed with this feeling and release it by hitting – their intention is not to cause hurt or upset.
If your child is hitting at nursery then you need to speak with your child’s keyworker to find out what the triggers are. The nursery staff should be looking for when it is happening, what might be triggering the behaviour and then looking to see if there is a way of stepping in or helping your child to navigate this situation with other strategies. Hitting is often a common behaviour within nursery so the nursery staff should have ideas and strategies on how to help.
Why does my child laugh when they hit?
This can often be the one thing that is a real trigger for us as adults. We don’t like our child hitting (it is the same as biting and isn’t seen as socially acceptable) but when a child laughs while hitting or after they have hit, this can really upset us or make us feel angry.
This can typically happen when you are happily playing or having a cuddle, then suddenly they can turn around to hit you while laughing. It ultimately comes back to the emotions your child is feeling at the time. The best advice is to try not to react or respond to the laughing as often your child won’t even know that they are doing this, it can just be a response that happens. Children can also laugh as they don’t have the understanding that it can hurt the other person and they just find it funny. This can is often be due to our reaction as they might think that you are making the sad or cross face to be funny too! They are still learning about these things!
The best way I have to explain this is that there are some people who, when faced with situations which are out of their comfort zone, or when they are faced with overwhelming emotions, can react in ways which are not always deemed appropriate. An example of this might be at a funeral - there are some people who can find themselves wanting to laugh or that they can’t stop smiling – this is not because they don’t care or are not upset but it is their way of coping with the difficult situation that they are in. This can be similar for our children who laugh when they are doing something that they shouldn’t - it is often through the overwhelming feelings they have which triggers this response, which they often can’t control. The laughter is a way of releasing tension.
8 things you can do to help your child:
Look for the triggers – why and when is it typically happening? If you are able to identify these then it will help you to pre-empt when your child might hit and when you might need to step in. Understanding that your child is not hitting to hurt, they are hitting because of an underpinning emotion that they are feeling will help you to support them.
Show empathy for the triggers so using emotional language such as “I can see that you really want to play with that truck and you are angry that your brother is playing with it but you can’t hit him, that’s not ok.” You then need to look at working out solutions with your child (this can start from a young age and even before your child is able to talk) as this will develop and provide skills which your child will use independently as they get older. Demonstrating and explaining other ways to express emotion, rather than hitting, is a learning process and it can take time.
When your child goes to hit, try to step in. This needs to be done gently and calmly, but if you can see that they are going to hit, try to be there to take their arm, hold it gently and then say “I can see that you want to hit right now but that is not ok as it hurts.” Then you are looking to redirect depending on the situation, so this might be finding another toy for your child to play with, it might be changing the focus or just moving away from the trigger, offering a cuddle etc.
For older children it can be helpful to have something which they can hit and let out their emotions on. This might be a cushion or a beanbag, but just so they know that if they are feeling tense, frustrated or angry it is ok to feel like that but not ok to hit someone, and that they have something else they can hit which lets out that emotion. It is important to note here that even if your child does go to hit out of anger, anger is not a bad emotion, it is something that we all experience, but it is about giving your child the outlet for this emotion which means they are able to express this in another way rather than hitting.
Avoid things such as time out. Often your child will not understand that the reason for them being in time out is for hitting as they do not have the cognitive or emotional ability to reflect on the actions in this way. You may need to remove your child from the situation if you can see that they are getting overwhelmed, but this is to spend time with you and when they are calm you can then talk to them about how they might have been angry/annoyed/frustrated but that it is not ok to hit. If you need to help them to step away, try to keep calm and just say “we can’t hit as it hurts people, let’s take some time to calm down”.
Consider your reaction. If you have a very strong reaction to when your child hits they are going to get the message that by hitting there is a big reaction from you and they are likely to repeat this to see if it continues to happen each time. If your child is not able to make the connection between their action, the hitting, and your reaction this can lead to confusion. Children need to make sense of the world and so will repeat actions to make sense of it. The calmer you are, with the addition of explanation when all is calm again will help your child to understand more.
Respect that it might need to come out in other ways. If you are able to step in and stop your child from hitting then you need to be prepared that they may still need to release how they are feeling, so this then might be in an outburst of crying or being upset. It is better that they are able to get out how they are feeling and if you can be there to offer the support and reassurance that it is ok. They will hopefully learn as they get older that they do not need to hit in those situations, they might need to come to you for reassurance or help instead.
Talking about emotions with your child and explaining what different emotions feel like, what we do when we feel them can give your child the skills and understanding on how to verbalise these as they get older rather than demonstrating them through behaviours which might not be deemed acceptable such as hitting etc.
In the same way that seeing our child hit another child or adult is an emotional trigger for us, we need to remember that the action of hitting is a response to emotions for our children. The things I have spoken about above aren’t overnight solutions, but I hope they will help you to understand why your child hits, along with some strategies to help support your child through this. As long as you remain consistent in the way you approach situations where your is child hitting, and help them to use other ways to express their emotions, you will see the instances where you need to step in and the hitting will reduce and eventually stop.
Here are some links to resources which may help:
While you are here you might be interested in our Behaviour and Emotions Webinar which you can find here.
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