Why won’t my child do a poo on the toilet or potty?
Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant
This is one of the most common questions that I get asked in relation to toilet training. The process of learning to use the potty or toilet is individual to each child, some seem to take a couple of days and others might take that little bit longer to master it…often doing a poo is what holds them back.
There are a lot of connections that your child needs to make when toilet training. They are moving from the comfort of a nappy which offers security and a very limited thought process of what is happening with their bodily functions. When you take the nappy away, there can be a real sense of exposure and this can unsettle a little one who has always been used to the feeling of the nappy.
Why does it happen?
The sensation of doing a poo on the toilet compared to doing it in a nappy is very different. Resistance to doing a poo on the potty or toilet can be for various different reasons (some very individual to the child) but can be:
For some children they can have the sense that something is ‘falling out of them’, which if you are little and don’t understand that this is completely normal and healthy, it can be quite worrying.
Not giving it enough time on the toilet or potty in order to know that they need to do a poo. Often they go on the toilet or potty, do a wee and then jump off. The sensation of needing a poo can then be confused and not fully understood if they then go off and start playing again.
Constipation can often be a cause of not wanting to do a poo because it is uncomfortable, painful or taking a long time. Getting your little one to have regular and soft bowel movements is important, do check out our blog on this for more information.
If your child has had a previous bad experience when pooing (for example falling into the toilet, the flush was loud and frightened them, they didn’t make it to the toilet in time and had an accident, or they were embarrassed) this can make a child very resistant to trying again. Always think about if there is an experience which might have impacted on your child’s association with using the toilet.
Fear of missing out can also be a reason that your little one is reluctant to sit on the toilet or potty for too long. If they think that they might miss out on something such as playing or watching something, they are going to avoid going to the toilet and taking that little bit longer!
So, what can you do?
The reason that your child is reluctant is going to be individual to your child. It is about looking at what the reason might be (like the examples above) and then seeing how you might be able to get over this with your child.
Here are some ideas:
It is important (regardless of the reason) for your child to have a positive association with poo. We don’t want children to have a negative association, so think about the language that you use when talking about it. Saying things such as “wow that is a great poo”, “That is a really good poo and that means that your body is working really well”. Avoid using words such as yucky, stinky or dirty.
Explain why we poo. Talk about how our bodies work and that poo is all the waste from food that your body doesn’t need any more so needs to get it out - if it stays in our body, it can give us tummy ache or make us poorly so it is really good when we have done a poo as that means we are healthy.
Keep your little one healthy with their intake of fluids, a healthy diet and exercise. All of these things help to keep things moving through the body and avoid constipation. As I mention above, have a look at our blog on constipation as this also has some useful information on what poo should look like.
Let your child see you use the toilet (I know it’s not what you really want but it does help). You are a role model to your little one and if they see that going to the toilet is completely normal and natural, they are going to be happier to try.
Have a basket of toys or books which can be just for ‘toilet time’ and can encourage your child to stay on the toilet a little longer. If they are on the toilet longer then it can help with understanding the sensation of needing to poo and giving it time for this to happen.
Try to see it from your child’s perspective, are they not wanting to use the toilet because they are engrossed in a game they are playing? Worried that their sibling might come along and destroy what they are playing with when they are gone? Don’t want to miss what they are watching? If this is the case, then look at what you can do to offer reassurance that if they leave what they are doing it will still be there when they come back to it.
Make using the toilet or potty a fun experience. Look at changing the colour of the water when you flush the toilet (put food colouring in the cistern!), have fun hand soap which they can use when they have finished on the toilet or even biodegradable glitter which they sprinkle over their poo in the toilet or potty before flushing it away.
Reward and recognise when your little one is sitting on the toilet, they might not do a poo but acknowledge that they have done well for sitting there.
Choose the time when your little one is most likely to need to do a poo. For most children this is around 20-30 mins after a mealtime. If you are able to encourage ‘toilet time’ around this time, then you are likely to have more success! Just remember that they might not poo every time, but you will hopefully have success at least once per day.
My child will only poo if I put a nappy on them – what do I do?
If you child only wants to poo in a nappy then go with this, don’t say no as that can lead to your child holding and then potentially becoming constipated or in a lot of pain and discomfort. You then should look at starting a gradual process of moving them away from the nappy and using the toilet.
Here are some tips and ideas:
Allow them to put the nappy on to do the poo but then take the nappy off, tip the poo into the toilet and then let your child flush it away. This is the start of your child making the connection that to poo in the toilet is going to be ok and natural.
When they have their nappy on, encourage them to sit on the potty or toilet when they are doing a poo (and then do the above). To help to make sure they are in the seated position always make sure that feet are supported with their hips and knees in a slight squatting position and their bottom is well supported. They are going to poo more easily when these things are in place.
Then you can start to loosen the nappy when they sit on the toilet and look to remove it when they are happy to sit without it on.
Have some books and toys which will help to keep them distracted and happy to sit on the toilet so that they can then let their body naturally start to move things through.
The tips in our constipation blog will help with tips on how to get things moving! Even if your little one is not constipated, some of the ideas might help with getting your little one to poo easier.
Offer praise for the sitting as much as anything else, and then as they get more and more comfortable with sitting on the toilet and potty it will naturally get better. It might take some time and patience, but it will happen, try to remain as relaxed as possible.
Resources:
There are some great books and resources available which can help with talking about poo with your children:
Books
Our recommended Amazon resources and books
Website
Eric - The Children’s Bowel & Bladder Charity
Not wanting to poo on the potty or toilet is a very common situation with children when they start to toilet train - it is a very different experience for our little ones, and it can take them some time to adjust to this new feeling. Don’t be afraid to talk about poo as it is all natural and normal!
If you want more information about potty / toilet training have a look at our blogs or download our step by step video guide.
Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.
We also have a podcast which includes quite a few episodes on toilet training - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.
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