WRITTEN BY the experts at Wayman & Long solicitors

As parents, we go above and beyond to ensure our children are happy regardless of what we might be going through as an individual or as a couple. Unfortunately, going through a divorce is an emotionally complex and daunting process that can be increasingly difficult when there are children involved.

Despite knowing that divorce is the right thing for your family in the long run, there is a fear of hurting your children in the process. Thankfully, there are ways you can make the process easier for your children, starting with telling them in the right way, at the right time.

In this blog, we are going to share our advice for when to tell your children about the divorce. We will also share additional tips that may make the process a little easier.

Things to consider before telling your children about the divorce

It is important not to tell your children about the divorce until you are both 100% sure that the divorce is going ahead. Similarly, if you are considering a separation agreement or a separation with an informal agreement, you should be certain of the next steps before you have the conversation with your children.

Divorce is a confusing topic, and your children may have questions about the immediate and long-term future, so it is best to go into the conversation as informed as possible. With this in mind, it may be best to tell the children after you have consulted a divorce solicitor for professional legal advice.

An initial consultation with a divorce solicitor or family law specialist will help you better understand the options and the process. A divorce solicitor will also help you and your spouse make important decisions regarding childcare arrangements and finances. This way, you will be able to talk your children through the plan, allowing them to ask questions that you may well have the answers to. When children have a better understanding of the divorce, they will be able to process it easier.

Aim to have to conversation as a family, with both parents present. If possible, you and your spouse should discuss how you are going to approach the topic beforehand.

Choosing the right time

It could be argued that this is no right time to tell your children about divorce, however, some times may be easier for everyone.

For example, avoid telling children before a school day or even during the school week. Telling them at the start of a weekend (a relatively quiet weekend without plans) may be a better option as this way it does not matter so much if your children are distracted. This also gives them the opportunity, time and space to sit with the news and ask any questions that may crop up.

In addition, avoid having the conversation around birthdays, holidays or other occasions. Allow them to enjoy joyous occasions and “be children” without the burden of heavy news. Similarly, avoid telling them around the time of big events or school tests/exams. If your children are in primary/junior school, it may be a good idea to give their teacher a heads-up in case of any behaviour/mood changes. Try not to tell them just before bedtime, it may interrupt their sleeping pattern and does not give them the time they need to process the conversation and ask questions.

If one parent is moving out, or if the living arrangements are changing at all, try to tell the children at least 2-4 weeks in advance so that they have time to adjust to the news before the change happens.

Once you have chosen the right time, ask yourself the following questions before starting the conversation:

1. Are we 100% sure about the divorce/separation?

2. Do we have a plan that we can share with the children regarding future living arrangements/childcare and any important changes?

3. Do we have timeframes we can share with the children?

4. Do we think we are going to be able to answer their questions?

5. Are we both on the same page in terms of how we will co-parent?

6. Are we both on the same page about how to navigate the conversation?

Additional tips for telling your children about divorce

Aside from choosing the right time, there are other factors to consider when telling your children about divorce. The following tips may help:

• Tell your children at home, in a private, quiet space, without the distraction of televisions, mobile phones or other technology.

• Emphasise that it is an adult decision that has been made for the good of the whole family. Re-iterate that the children have done nothing wrong and sensitively explain that there is nothing they can do to change it. Make sure they know that you are all still a family and that both of you love them very much.

• Don’t pressure your children into talking about it. Reassure them that however they feel (hurt, anger, relief, worry etc.) is entirely normal and that they can talk about it when they are ready.

• Highlight the things that will remain the same i.e. dad will still drive you to school on certain days, both mum and dad will attend your football matches etc. However, do not make promises that may be broken.

We hope that this helps you to navigate what is a painful time for everyone involved. For more information on this topic we have a blog on how to make co-parenting work as well as a podcast episode with Sarah Kamoto (Unshakeable Parenting) here.

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