Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

When your little one goes to nursery one of the most common things that any parent or carer has to deal with, is your little one crying when you drop them off.  For some it can start before even leaving home and your little one saying they don’t want to go or getting very upset (I was this child and my parents still remember it now!) and for others it is once you are at nursery and having to say those goodbyes.

I spent 10 years working in nurseries and have supported hundreds of families through this difficult stage, it does get easier and there are some things that you can try to help. 

If you are at the stage of looking at nurseries or just about to start, then we do have a blog which will give you lots of hints and tips for this stage too! You can read it here.

Why do children cry at drop off?

The main reason for this is often because of their separation from you at drop off, saying goodbye.  This can be a really tricky time for our little ones as there are some big emotions around this such as feeling sad as they don’t want to leave you, apprehension as they don’t quite know what is going to happen that day and then having to say good-bye which is not always easy for any of us. 

It is also worth considering other possible factors which can impact too:

• Hunger – if your little one is having breakfast at nursery then they might be a little hungry.  Can you offer something prior to nursery just to keep them going? 

• Tiredness – this is very common when little ones start at nursery as they might not be napping as long as they do at home or they are overtired from nursery which can lead to some sleep disturbances in the early weeks. This will settle down over time and once they are adjusting to this new environment

• Illness – when starting at nursery it can mean that your little one picks up all the bugs that are going around!  This can help to build their immunity in the long run, but feeling under the weather can also sometimes make them feel more sensitive to change or separation than they might do normally. 

• Adjusting to the nursery environment – this can take a little time as things can be very different from the general environment so lots of children and adults, noises, smells, routines etc.  This can be a lot for a little one to adjust to so it can require time and patience. 

• Other changes such as moving rooms at nursery, change of keyworker, moving house, new sibling or even a developmental stage.  Change can unsettle us as adults and this is the same for our children.  It might be that you see the upset at nursery drop off , but it might not be the actual drop off that is causing the upset.  This can be where the emotion comes out from coping with other changes going on.  

Nursery say they are fine after 5 mins

(And this really is true..!)

This is extremely common as it is very often the separation which our little ones find so difficult, but once the adult has left they are able to adjust and enjoy their time at nursery.  Don’t ever worry about ringing nursery to check that they are ok and to see if they have settled.  It is important that you are reassured and feeling comfortable - you don’t want to be worrying all day.  Hopefully you will have a nursery where they are able to share photos with you so that you can see your little one having fun and settled. The nursery will be honest with you as it is important for them to build up a trusting relationship so if they say that your child is happily playing then this is usually the case!

 My child has been going to nursery for several months and is still upset

It might be that your child is going to be unsettled at drop off until they are older and more able to cope with the separation from you. If they are settling once you have dropped them and you feel that they are happy during the day and happy when you pick them up, it might just be something that your little one will do.  

Going back to when I was little, I cried every time I was dropped at nursery (I remember it as I used to wave from a window – crying) but as soon as I started school I didn’t cry once on drop off.  It was just something that I did at every nursery drop off (much to the distress of my parents!) and it stopped when I was older and more able to cope with the separation. 

However, it is important to look at whether there is something that is not working for your child at nursery.  There are some questions that can be helpful to ask yourself to see if there might need to be a more detailed conversation with the nursery. 

• Are you happy with the nursery and feel that it is the right place for your child?

• Does your child have an attachment with a specific staff member? Building an attachment with staff can really help little ones to settle - has your little one found their preferred person?

• Is your child stimulated and engaged in their days?

• Can you take comforters into nursery to help them to settle?

• What is the drop off like and how is this handled by the staff? 

If you are feeling that some of these things might be affecting how your child is settling then you need to speak with your child’s keyworker or the nursery manager.

Some parents/carers experience that on pick up their child cries when they see them.  This again can be very common and normal; it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are upset or sad, it can just be a release of emotion from feeling excited to see you and coming out in tears…but they can sometimes be happy tears!

What can you do to help? 

• Always say goodbye and having a familiar phrase that you say each time can help with familiarity and reassurance. Once you have said your goodbyes then you need to leave, try to avoid going back as this can upset your little one more and ask the staff if they can be with your little one at the drop off just to offer that cuddle or distraction (which they will often do without needing to be asked!).

• Don’t drag out the leaving/dropping off process as this can cause your child to get more upset.  Try to make drop off quite a quick process so settle them into their room (if you are able to) and then you say your goodbye phrase and leave.  If the drop off process is too long this can cause your little one to get more upset as they are building up anticipation to it happening which can be more distressing for them.

• Get there as close to drop off time as you can.  This avoids hanging around outside the nursery as this can also build up the anxiety around the separation. However, if you are attending a nursery where you can drop off at various times, choose a time when it is not too busy and that your child can have more 1:1 opportunity with the staff and when it is a bit calmer.

• Upbeat and happy reunion. When coming back to collect, make sure that you are upbeat, and say “I said I would come back and have big cuddles and here I am!”

• Organise playdates with other children from their class or age group so that there is a connection between nursery and home, having familiar faces can really help your child to settle.

• Take in a comforter or familiar object which they might provide them reassurance.  This might be something like a cuddly toy, muslin or blanket etc as this can smell of you/home which can really offer comfort when they are going through the separation. 

• Give an explanation of the day so that they know what is going to happen.  This might be saying something like “we are going to nursery, you will have breakfast, a play, then lunch, a nap and then I will pick you up”. This helps your little one prepare themselves for the day (it can even help babies) and when you come back at that time it helps them to have that reassurance and trust in what you say.

• Talk positively about nursery when you are at home. We can feel like not talking about nursery when our children are at home in case it makes them upset but it can really help to talk about it (not all the time) but occasionally as this can make the connection between home and nursery, it can also give your child the opportunity to talk to you about what is causing them to be upset if they are at that age.

• Don’t trick or not tell them the truth, if you are going to nursery and they ask if that is where you are going, be honest. Yes it might make your little one upset, but in the long term this helps to build their trust in what you say.  If they feel tricked or not told the truth then they are going to question what you say, lack trust and this can then lead to them being more upset, not only with nursery but with other things that you say you are doing.

• Look to provide some distraction on the way to nursery, play games or talk about what you can see.  If your little one is worked up about going to nursery, acknowledge that you know they are feeling a bit sad about going to nursery but then provide them with something to take their mind off it.  This might be games, music in the car, toy to play with – anything that you know your child might like!

• Keep positive so that your little one can see that you are feeling ok with the whole process.  Children pick up on a lot of our body language and emotions so if you are feeling anxious, worried or upset then your little one might be picking up on this too.  Take some deep breaths, look what distraction techniques might be good for you and if you do have concerns or worries then talk to the nursery so that you can feel more comfortable and happy – this will help your child in the long term.

• Don’t be afraid to use emotional language around the whole situation so saying things such as “I can see you’re feeling sad about going to nursery, it’s ok to feel sad as saying goodbye can be tricky. I am coming back later and we will have lots of cuddles/we can play in the garden etc.” 

• It is important to speak to your child’s keyworker or the nursery manager to see what can be done to help from their side and to make them aware of the situation so that they can support you and your little one.

This can be an emotional time for all involved but it’s a team effort with you, your child and the nursery.  Some children can settle extremely quickly and for others it can take much longer, there is no set time for when a child might settle, but there are certainly things you can do to help them through this stage. 

While you are here have a look at our video guides on various topics including behaviour, sleep, play, toilet training and more - for information - click here.

Don’t forget that we also offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.

We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.