We first met Simon at the Twins and Multiple Births Association volunteer day where he gave a talk about his and his husband’s journey towards becoming parents to twins by surrogacy.  His talk was informative, sensitive and funny all at the same time and we wanted to get to know Simon a bit better.  We hope you find our chat with him as interesting as we did...

Why did you decide to look into surrogacy as opposed to adoption? 

Originally, we investigated adoption as we were aware that there were so many children out there that needed a loving home and we knew we wanted a family so were keen to adopt a sibling group. But we found we were being unfairly compared to other couples in the process and after a particularly difficult time with our senior social worker, we decided to take back control and explore other options for achieving our dream.

How did you decide which country to do the surrogacy in?

Looking into the legal frameworks for the UK, US and Canada, it became clear that the law is not in favour of Intended Parents in the UK. There are a number of risks having a family via surrogacy in the UK; whilst you can have a contract it is not enforceable and when the child is born, it is the surrogate who is listed on the birth certificate, and, if she is married, her husband who is listed as the father (even if they have no genetic link to the child). Parental responsibility is not reassigned until the parental order is in place. You cannot apply for this for 7 weeks and if, in this time, the surrogate changes her mind about handing over the baby, you have no legal protection.

Looking at Canada, there is far more protection and surrogacy is altruistic rather than a business transaction (like the US). And as we wanted to have an ongoing relationship with our surrogate, it was clear that Canada best met our approach.

What was it like having to choose a surrogate to carry your baby?  What criteria did you use?

The agency we went with is a bit like a dating app for Intended Parents and Surrogates. We were asked to submit some photos and a statement about ourselves where we talked about who we were, what we liked doing, where we lived and what we were looking for. The agency then created our profile and uploaded it to the site. As new surrogate profiles went live, we would receive an email notification and could then contact them if they were of interest. When we saw Meg’s profile, we knew we were interested, but because of the time difference, we didn’t see her profile until the following day. Worried that she would have already matched, we made contact. Fortunately, the owner shows the surrogates the profiles of all the Intended Parents before their profile goes live, and Meg had already decided that she was keen to hear from us. So, when we made contact, she was really pleased. We met via skype later that day and agreed to proceed.

Our main criteria were finding someone who we could get on with, that we felt we had a connection with, and who was keen to maintain a relationship with the us and the children after the birth. Meg said she was keen to be the ‘mad aunt in Canada’ and that was perfect for us! 

How did you choose an egg donor?

We were directed to an online database where we could see the different egg donors available. We looked for an egg donor who had a healthy family medical background.

You said that one of the babies was yours and one was Graeme’s - how is that possible?!

When the eggs were retrieved, they were split in half. 10 were fertilised by Graeme’s sperm and 10 by mine. They then undertook the 5-day fertilisation process and at the end of that we had 11 viable embryo’s – 6 of Graeme’s and 5 of mine. These were frozen and when we were ready for transfer, the highest graded of each of our embryos were placed in Meg’s womb.

What was the biggest challenge you faced during the surrogacy process?

Probably getting our head round all the legal complexities and making sure that we were doing everything within the letter of the law on top of having a new family!

How did you feel when you found out you were having twins?!

I’ll always remember the moment; sitting at our kitchen table watching the ultrasound via FaceTime. For two hours afterwards we sat there experiencing elation, tears and worry – this was really happening! But the overriding emotion was genuine excitement that our dream of having a little family was coming true.

When did you first see Alexandra and Calder?

We were present for the birth. Graeme was supporting Meg and holding her hand, whilst I was at the ‘business end’. Watching our children being born was the most exhilarating moment of my life.

Is there a moment, exchange, or conversation from the surrogacy process that you will never forget?

Hearing our children’s heartbeats for the first time. It was at the 11-week scan and I was watching via Facetime. It was the day of our staff Christmas lunch and I had escaped early to go back to the office to watch the scan. The office was totally empty and I sat at my desk watching the scan and suddenly heard the heartbeats for the first time. I was a total mess and sat sobbing with joy at my desk.

What’s your top tip for parents of twins?

Give yourself some slack. There will always be days when you get to the end of the day and think ‘that could have gone so much better’. Don’t beat yourself up about it – being the perfect mum or dad 24hrs a day just isn’t possible.

What would you say to anyone considering surrogacy as an option?

Do your research so you understand your options and make sure you spend time making sure your match with your surrogate is right. You are going to be spending a lot of time together and you will feel better if you know you can absolutely trust your surrogate to do what is best.   

Where should people go for more information about having a baby (or babies!) by surrogate?

For information about surrogacy in the UK: https://surrogacyuk.org/

For information about surrogacy in Canada: https://surrogacy.ca/

You can follow Simon on Twitter @SBerneyEdwards and read his husband Graeme’s blog – ‘Twinning at parenthood’ here

While you are here we have lots more blogs on various topics which you can find here, as well as our downloadable webinars on topics such as behaviour and emotions, sleep and toilet training.

Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.

We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.