Written by Claire Burgess, Family Consultant

This is a very common issue that parents face and it can be hugely frustrating and challenging when all you want to do is for your child to get dressed, put their shoes on, brush their teeth and tidy up their toys etc. One of the first things to think about is that when our children are babies, we do everything for them and they have very little input or choice in what happens when.  Once our children start to find their voice and have the ability to do things independently, then they want to practice this as much as possible, it is a newfound freedom!  This can however be exhausting for us as they are taking a great deal of time to do the simplest of things (which you know you can do in 2 mins!) because they are finding it tricky or just want to keep doing it over and over. 

What we can do during this stage is to encourage this new found independence with some tasks such as putting on shoes, getting dressed, walking rather than in the pushchair etc, but this is often only possible when we have time and are not in a rush etc.  At times you will certainly be celebrating this independence and encouraging them to complete these tasks, but at other times, to make things quicker or easier, you will be doing these things for your child.  This is completely understandable with the pressures we all face, but it can give very mixed messages and lead to your child asserting their new level of independence and, as a result, being resistant to doing the everyday things you ask of them.  

Try to see these tasks as key learning opportunities for your child; if you can look at it like this it can help with both your focus and your energy.  You need to look at making these ‘boring’ tasks more interesting for both of you!  The more interesting it is the more likely that your child is going to want to be involved.   Very often when we are getting children to do everyday things, which are mundane to us, we can approach them with a negative tone in our voice, getting more frustrated when our child puts up resistance.  It is key to remember that children love attention and this can be either positive or negative, they are not fussy but will always respond to attention so it’s much better that it is the positive kind!     

Here are some hints and tips to help!  

• Make those everyday tasks more interesting.   

  • Try making them into games, for example “who can be the quickest to…..put on their shoes” etc, you can join in with this and complete the tasks together.  Children respond so much better to completing tasks alongside other people rather than on their own.   

  • Try the ‘Magic Coat Trick’ which we have shared a few times on our social media and which you can also find here https://youtu.be/KES8tfzRu-M .

  • If your child has a favourite song (this can be something that is in the charts, it doesn’t need to be a children’s song), try playing this and set them the task of putting on their shoes and coat by the time the song has ended.   

  • Having visual prompts can also be very useful with young children, for example you could take photographs of your child completing the key activities (e.g. cleaning teeth, putting their shoes/coat on) and then have a chart which they can Velcro the photograph onto when they have completed the task it represents.  You can make it so that when they have completed these tasks, they can choose an activity that they want to do.  Don’t reward them with food or presents, but with things such as special time with you, reading a special book or playing a certain game.  This will give them the incentive to complete the tasks whilst also encouraging independence by giving them ownership of the photographs and responsibility for completing the chart. 

• Time prompts are effective in providing your child with a countdown to when they need to complete a task.  This might be “in 5 minutes you need to go in and brush your teeth”, then “in 2 minutes you will need to go and brush your teeth”, “in one minute…” etc. so that you are not just being in the moment.   This avoids putting your child on the spot and gives them a chance to understand what is coming next, which in turn will reduce any resistance from them.   

• Leading on from the time prompts point, the use of sand timers are a great resource to use as a visual representation for the timings. This is particularly helpful for children who have not yet learnt how to tell the time but are reliant on routine and need some visual representation of time.  Be careful however not to use them as a punishment – e.g. “if you can’t do this by the end of the timer then…” etc. as this can make your child to feel anxious and overwhelmed and can in turn stop them from trying to do the task because of the pressure.  Try to make it more like “we have 5 mins before we leave and I need you to put your shoes on, here is the timer to show you how long we have”.

• Offer choice look at the tasks that need to be completed and give your child two options where possible.  So, this might be, “you need to clean your teeth, do you want to do to this before your bath or afterwards?” “You need to put your shoes on, which pair of shoes are you going to wear today?”, “You need to eat your breakfast, are you going to choose which  bowl and cup you want to use today?”  By introducing these options you are helping your child to feel that they have some independence and will not feel the need to put up the resistance.     

• How many instructions are you giving? it is important to look at how you might be responding in these situations. As we all know, it can be frustrating and would be so much easier if they ‘just did it’, but it is worth looking at how many instructions you are giving at one time and whether or not this is this age appropriate for your child.  For example, are you saying “right let’s go, time to go to the car so get your coat and put your shoes on!” for most children all they hear is “shoes on”.  They then haven’t got the sense of urgency about leaving and it can then come out of the blue (again if they can’t tell the time they are just going on the predictability of their routine).  They then don’t do what you have asked and you  get frustrated as they are “just not listening”. This is the stage when all of the above points come together. Think about whether you: 

  • Have a routine to the day (when things happen at roughly the same time each day)? 

  • Do you give time prompts to your child so that they can prepare?  

  • Are there visual aids so that your child knows what is happening and when?  

  • Are you giving one or two instructions at one time….and checking that your child heard you?  Very often we can be consistently talking and giving instructions during the busy points of the day, and for our children this becomes noise that they don’t really listen to.  It is about using your words and communication in order to be as effective as possible.  

• Allow enough time – when your child is learning a new skill and embracing their independence, see if you can offer them more time to do it.  For example, if you think that they will want to put their own shoes on then allow for it to take 15 mins rather than the 5 that it would take you.  Yes it might take longer, but if they are rushed or are not able to do it themselves it is likely to end up in a meltdown (from either or both of you!), which will then take longer to resolve than if you give them enough time to give the task a good try! If they were learning the alphabet you would allow them time and space, so if you can try to see all of those everyday tasks in the same way it will help to reduce your stress about the situation! This includes thinking ahead, for example if mornings are proving difficult with your child making choices can you look at encouraging some of the choices the night before?  This can be things such as giving a choice of two outfits for the next day and then laying these out so they are ready or getting all the breakfast things out and ready so that you don’t need to worry about this in the morning. 

All parents and carers will have times when it can feel like no one is listening and that no one does as they are asked, but by trying some of the strategies above you will see a change in your stress levels and calmer children who will be encouraged to do some of the tasks that you need them to do….it won’t always be 100% but even it if it is 50% of the time that’s progress! ;-).

Check out ‘Your guide to Behaviour and Emotions’ for guidance and strategies on how to support children with their behaviour and emotions - for more information click here !

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