WRITTEN BY CLAIRE BURGESS, FAMILY CONSULTANT

As I am writing this blog we are in lockdown 3.0 - back to home schooling and trying to come up with ways to keep our children entertained all day long! Even before lockdown I think we were all coming to accept that screens are a part of our everyday lives.  They aren’t going anywhere, and I think we would all agree that they’ve been really valuable through lockdown in keeping us all connected with friends, family and with work or school. 

Of course, being in lockdown, not able to see friends and family, has meant that inevitably we are using screens more – this is no criticism at all, we have to do what we need to do in order to get through.  That said, we are also seeing increased changes in our children’s behaviour, and some families see that this behaviour is significantly different after their child has been on a screen, typically when watching videos, gaming or using social media.

Why do they always want a screen?

Games, social media and other screen-based activities are designed to work with what our brains are looking for, which is ultimately to trigger our dopamine release. Dopamine is the ‘feel good’ hormone and it is this which helps us to experience pleasure.  This might be triggered by the number of likes, comments or interactions that we get on social media, reaching the next level on a game, or it can be as simple as games which congratulate our youngest children on their success.   All of these things are programmed to help us feel good but also to keep us engaged and wanting more.  There are many suggestions that online use can be as additive as a Class A drug.  The more we get the ‘feel good feeling’ the more we want it and we go back again and again to get that ‘hit’!

Before technology we would have been looking for these ‘hits’ in other places.  These would have come from interactions with others in person, so we saw children pleading to see friends, to go to certain places or to do certain activities.  With these things our own parents had greater control, particularly because the things that gave us that ‘hit’ weren’t readily accessible in the way that our devices are. 

When using screens, it is all about instant gratification.  If we want to know something, we can look it up, if we want to buy something it is just a couple of clicks and it’s on its way, if we want to interact with people we send a quick message and almost instantly it’s happened.  This is all hugely satisfying for the human brain and also in the child’s brain, which is still being hardwired and making those connections.  The more they have this instant gratification the more they want, need it and come to expect it. 

Screens and self-control

We know as adults that we can very easily go down a rabbit hole on social media.  We can go on for 10 mins, look again and it has been an hour.  This is no different for our children who are also not always aware of the length of time they have been on a device. 

Children haven’t yet developed their skills of self-control - this is something that develops as they get older and with the experiences that they have.  Our tweens and teens in particular are still very much working on their gut reaction and impulses (combined with a continuous rush of dopamine), which don’t always work well with being online.   

So, why does their behaviour change?  

The changes in a child’s behaviour following screen time are more related to emotions than the actual behaviour they are displaying.  I am going to give you a couple of examples to see what your child might be experiencing to help put it into perspective:

1. Your child is playing video games with a couple of friends, the game requires quick thinking, teamwork and there is a great deal of interaction, congratulating each other on their successes or offering feedback or criticism.  Experiencing this can trigger a huge mixture of emotions for your child from, elation, feeling proud and joy to frustration and anger.  All of these emotions can be experienced in quick succession and can all happen in one game.  

   Now imagine this in another environment, an adult work environment.  You are with a group of colleagues working on a big project and everything is really going well, you are working as a team, people are being positive and highlighting what people are doing well. You are all finding solutions to things which might be causing challenges.  There is a great vibe and you are really getting that dopamine hit.  Suddenly someone steps in and says, “ok that’s it for the day, stop what you are doing, pack up and you can come back to it tomorrow.” What would your reaction be? Would you be looking to negotiate e.g., “can we have 10 more minutes, everything is going so well and it would be such a shame for us to stop now” etc.

   Let’s go back to child’s perspective and their video game – they are going to have the same reaction as you would have in the work situation described above.  They are going to look to negotiate and reason in order to be allowed to continue.  If, in your work situation, it had been made clear to you that by a certain time you had to come away from the project, you would have aimed towards that as a finishing time and so if all of a sudden you are told to stop, you are not going to cope well.  

   Be clear on your expectations around screen time and set those boundaries so that they are understood (perhaps not always liked) but have greater acceptance.

2. Your child is on video calls with their friends, they are talking about things which are relatable to their age and their interests at the time. They are telling stories, making funny videos, performing dance routines etc.  They are feeling connected and recreating, what they can through the use of technology, things they would normally be doing in the playground or after school.

   Now, in the same way that we did before, look at the relationships that you might be having with your friends and family via similar platforms.  We have got things such as online quizzes, happy hours, catch up calls etc, which can go on for a while even if we don’t have anything really to talk about, but it feels good to connect. Do you behave differently after these types of experiences?  

   These types of connections can trigger a range of emotions and this is the same for our children.  If we take this away from them because of the amount of screen time they are already having via school (keep in mind they are not asking to be home schooled!) there is going to be resistance and upset.  It again comes back to having those conversations with your child/ren about striking a balance.  Understanding their need to have these interactions but that they need to be managed in a way where they are not dictated to but in agreement with. 

It is important to note here that there will be times when your child will get cross, annoyed or upset even if you have put these things in place with explanation and them being on board.  This is completely natural and normal but the way you react to any outbursts can help determine how far it escalates.  

The online world is made up of a great deal of fiction, but for children, with their developing brains, they are sometimes not able to differentiate between fiction and reality. They can often believe that what they are seeing, hearing and experiencing is reality.This can be particularly noticeable when playing games online - they can get sucked into the online world that they are in and then struggle separate themselves from it.This is where having breaks from the screens is good to regain the balance.If they are really wound up it can take a bit of time while all the surging hormones and emotions to settle back down.

How much screen time is ok?

This is a difficult one to answer as it is very dependent on the situation that you might be in at the time.  There are no official guidelines in the UK but as a general rule most advice says that you shouldn’t use screens with under 2s and that older children shouldn’t spend any longer than 2 hours a day at a screen (https://www.childnet.com/blog/how-much-screen-time-is-okay-for-my-child   https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-46749232 ). If however you are reading this whilst we are still in lockdown, then the answer is that your child (and you) are probably having way more screen time than is suggested to be appropriate, but we have to do what we need to do in order to get through the crisis that we are in.  

However, there are some things that you can do to strike a balance for screen use:

• Designate ‘no tech’ times in the day – this might be at mealtimes or it might be an hour before bed, it is about finding what works for you and your family. (It might be that the adults in the house need to follow these rules too!) 

• Try to avoid ‘tech bans’ or referring to technology in a negative way.  Yes, we can see that technology is not always good for our children, their behaviour etc but they are living in a world where tech is all around them – as I said before, it is not going anywhere and so we need to help teach them how to manage their use rather than banning things – the minute you ban something you make it even more desirable.

• Balance the routine, having house rules (again depending on the age of the child/ren) but after 15 mins (for younger children) and maybe an hour for older children they have to get up from the screen and do something else for 10 mins. This might be to go outside, help with a chore in the house, make a snack and drink, play an ‘offline’ game etc. You might also find this ‘Family agreement’ from Childnet.com useful.  They describe this agreement as ‘a great way to start positive family conversations around safe and responsible internet use, and to agree clear expectations and boundaries’.

• Having strategies which help with self-regulation.  For example, can you look at tokens which can be earned for tech time? These tokens might be earned for things such as getting home schooling completed, helping with chores etc.  It can perhaps work that they earn their screen time in 5 min blocks and can then save them up or use them as they earn them.  This will help them learn how to regulate their use, but also learn the art of patience!

How can we help our children?

• Striking a balance for our children between screen time and other experiences.  It is advised that our school aged children and older should have at least 1 hour of physical exercise a day.  There should also be a balance and boundaries around screen use.  Can you set some house rules around the amount of screen time they have, when they can have it etc. so that everyone in the house is clear of the expectations. 

• Involving them in limiting their screen use - they need to be involved in setting these limits in order to want to stick to it. This might be things such as a time when all media has to be switched off, ‘do not disturb’ being set on devices etc.

• Trusting your child to make choices. You might need to help them with this, but giving your child a sense of responsibility and ownership over this situation will help in the long term.

• Having conversations with them (when they have not had any screen time and are working in their more logical brain) about what you see happening after they have used a screen especially in relation to gaming or social media. 

• Getting involved in your child’s use of social media / gaming.  This might be celebrating and taking an interest in what they have achieved in a game or spending time with them while they are using their social media, talking about what they are seeing/posting etc. 

• Don’t make screens a negative thing that you don’t agree with as this is likely to only make your child want it more.  It is part of their world and we have to respect that. Try not to not use a technology ban as a discipline technique, think about other consequences than always going to a tech ban. 

• Encourage other interests where you can, which are not screen based.  This can be a very difficult one and may take some encouragement and persuasion but if you can encourage this then it will be worth it.

We have to look at the positives along with the negatives in order to have a balanced perspective on screen time.  We will all feel guilt at times regarding our children’s use of screens (maybe also our own at times), but we also have to understand that this is something that they are growing up with – it is just something else that we need to help our child learn to manage and balance as they grow up.  It is like teaching them to ride a bike or drive a car, we have to help them learn how to use technology and devices to the best of their advantage but in a balanced and appropriate way.

While you are here, you might be interested in our webinars, which cover lots of different topics including behaviour and emotions, play, sleep, toilet training and many more! For more information - click here

Don’t forget that we offer parent consultations should you need support with anything from sleep to behaviour and so much more! Details of the packages we offer can be found here.

We also have a podcast - ‘Newborn to Teen and Everything in Between’ - listen here.