Written by Thirza Ashelford

I will never forget the moment I was told I was going to be a grandparent.  Our son and his partner had arrived one Friday evening, ostensibly to stay for the weekend and visit friends in the town.   We chatted in the kitchen while I made dinner when our son announced that they had something to show us.  The “something” was a twelve week scan photograph of our first grandchild.  That moment of transition from being a parent to becoming a grandparent was thrilling, exciting and at the same time somewhat overwhelming.  Our son was about to become a parent, what sort of dad would he be? Would our parenting styles be reflected back to us? How was this going to feel?! What would our roles be? How hands on would we be? How would our son’s partner feel about us being part of her child’s life?  As an Early Years Practitioner myself with over 30 years experience of the under 5s I was acutely aware that this might seem overpowering to both our son and especially his partner, how would I balance my professional knowledge and experience with my personal role as a granny?

Not long after this announcement our youngest son gave us the good news that he and his partner were also to have a baby.  My excitement and pride were no less second time around – or third and fourth!  Over the last six years, and four grandchildren, we have all learned to adapt and embrace our new roles, the transitions have not always been straightforward and we are all still learning but, looking back, some key moments and decisions have very much shaped the relationships we have with our new families.

It was clear early on that it would be very easy to overwhelm the new families with my ‘knowledge’ and ‘experience’ not to mention excitement.  I therefore made a very conscious decision not to offer advice but to wait until I was asked.  I was also very aware of how quickly things change in childcare practice and even though I felt pretty up to date I did not want to offer advice that was no longer seen as good practice.  So very early on I made my feelings known to my sons and their partners, I told them that I would always be there for them if they wanted to ask me anything at all or needed help but I would not be offering advice unless they asked me specifically.  This was quite possibly one of the best conversations I have had, and I am sure has made intergenerational relationships much more relaxed.  

But what sort of support would we be offering to our newly extended family?  There was a small hint early on that some grandparents offered to look after the grandchildren one day a week to cut the cost of childcare.  I’m afraid that this idea was quashed very quickly. With both sons and their families living over an hour and a half from our house, we decided that to commit to a day a week to each young family was too much so we offered instead to provide the emergency childcare when, for whatever reason, there was no other day care available.  This has worked well, despite the ‘on call’ nature of the system.  We have become very adept at changing our plans at a moment’s notice and always keeping the car full of fuel!  

Watching our sons in their roles as fathers has been one of the proudest aspects of the whole grandparent event.  To see them happily changing nappies, bathing their toddlers, enjoying wild games in the outdoors and teaching skills such as bike riding, swimming and cooking as well as showing their own sons how to be caring and nurturing of younger siblings leaves me humbled.  I have also learned over the last 6 years of being a granny to accept and respect the differing parenting styles within our sons’ new families.  Each little family has two parents, two sets of grandparents, two different lifestyles.  They are each working out how to bring these parts together to make a whole, my role has been to sit back and hold my tongue as they do this!  It’s not always easy, but the last thing they need is an interfering granny.  Our family is now made up of three homes, with different rules and expectations. It’s taken time to work out but we all respect each other’s space and what is allowed in one house may not be allowed in another but that’s fine and we are all learning together how to adapt and accept.

I absolutely love being a granny!  Holding each of my grandchildren for the first time was an unbelievable joy and privilege. Is it different from being a parent? Very much so!! As a grandparent you have less responsibility for life’s everyday issues which means there is more space to really engage with and absorb the wonders of each little person as they grow and develop into unique human beings, my sons’ children, my grandchildren. 

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